The Let Down
Chapter Thirteen
by GCS
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will." -unknown
"Hi, this is Johnny; leave a message after the beep." The message was short and to the point, and every time Roy heard it he had to smile. Johnny was the guy who always said "good morning" in threes. The short message just didn't seem to fit. Then Roy remembered the time Johnny tried to wire a tape recorder in the squad to help them keep up with their runs for the log book. Maybe Johnny was lucky to get a message on the machine at all. Before he had time to consider that thought he heard the last beep indicating that his message time had run out. Shaking his head he pressed down on the hook, listened for the dial tone and dialed again.
Roy heard the answering machine pick up again. "Hey Johnny, we missed you this morning. Jenny and Chris were disappointed. Um…we uh… well this kids… uh they wanted to see if you wanted to come to dinner, Joanne too… uh…" BEEP. He stood for a moment with the silent phone next to his ear. He hadn't told Johnny he wanted him to come. He had run out of time. Then the shrill off the hook tone screamed in his ear and he jerked it away from his ear and slammed it down on the hook.
"Everything okay?" Joanne asked from the kitchen doorway. "Was he mad? Did he hang up on you?" When Roy just stood staring at the phone and not answering her, Joanne got a little worried. She stepped over and put her hand on his shoulder as she calmly spoke his name. "Roy?"
Roy jumped. "What? Oh Joanne, I didn't know you were there. What did you say?"
"I asked if everything was okay. You slammed the phone down like you were angry. Did you two have words?"
Roy turned and pulled Joanne into his strong arms and when she rested her head on his shoulder he rested he chin atop her head. Their bodies seemed to fit perfectly. "No honey, we didn't have words. I had to leave a message. I just didn't hang up before that loud screeching noise came on. I hate that. I guess I just hung up in a hurry to shut out the noise." He kissed the top of her head and let her step back. She looked into his eyes for truth.
"Well he'll call back. What should we have?" Joanne smiled up at Roy.
Johnny had already shed his clothes and turned on the water for his shower when he heard the phone ring; wanting nothing more to ease the ache in his body, he ignored it and stepped into the shower. He stood in the very hot shower letting the heated spray cascade down his sore back. He'd slept half a day away and most of the night, but he still felt tired, weary; almost hung over. He hated it when the doctors at Rampart drugged him up. He hated not being in control of his own body…his own mind. When the drugs kicked in and took control of his senses sending him into oblivion, he always fought it dreading the way he'd feel when he woke up. They always left him feeling like he had been on a drunken binge. Not that he'd been on many, he wasn't much of a drinker, but the few times he'd woken up not remembering how he'd gotten home or why his mouth felt full of cotton and dry as the Sahara not to mention why he felt so nauseous was enough to teach him never to do it again. Of course that promise he'd made to himself sometimes slipped his mind when he lost a brother in the fire service, but each time he vowed that it would never happen again.
He turned and let the water wash across his face and chest. He knew Dixie had cleaned him up at Rampart. She always took such care to make him feel better, but for some reason the smell of smoke lingered in his senses. He reached for the shampoo to wash his hair for the second time. When the water ran cold he stepped from the shower, grabbed the towel from the rack and began wiping down his arms and legs. When he draped the towel across his back and moved it back and forth he winced. He thought about how hard his air tank had crushed against his back and wondered how long it would take for the bruising to go away. It wasn't the first time he'd suffered deep bruising. If he stayed in the fire department, it likely wouldn't be the last.
Shrugging off the thoughts that had been running through his mind, he draped the towel over his shoulders. He was alone, so there was no need for modesty.
He crossed the bedroom and reached for the pair of sweats he'd discarded before going to his last shift at the station. When he pulled them on he was careful not to let the waistband rub his back or snap against his skin. He threw towel in the corner with the others that needed to be washed. Deciding that a shirt would only rub against his back he didn't bother putting one on.
Even after a shower that should have left him feeling fresh and clean, he still felt near exhaustion. 'Must be the drugs still in my system,' he thought. 'Maybe I'll feel better after breakfast.' He headed to the kitchen to see what he could find to eat. He wasn't really hungry. He couldn't help the smile that came with that thought. Chet would have a field day and throw out a barrage of jabs about his lack of hunger, but the smile was fleeting. Everyone seemed to be concerned about him lately, worried about him not taking care of himself. That thought brought him to remembering how he had overheard Brackett and Early discussing his health with Roy, and after the way his supposed partner and best friend had been treating him lately and had tricked him into going to his place like a child who couldn't think for himself, the rage from yesterday began to resurface.
Johnny opened cabinet after cabinet, turned to the fridge and swung the door open with just a bit too much force slinging the ketchup bottle skidding across the floor. He slammed the door and stooped to pick up the stray bottle; turning and slamming it down on the table giving up on food.
He stalked out of the kitchen and stood in the living room starring at the sofa. He didn't want to watch TV. He didn't want to go out. He really didn't want to think anymore. He didn't want to feel the way he felt. He especially didn't want to think about his next shift or how things were changing. Suddenly, the oblivion he'd wanted to avoid seemed inviting. He rubbed his sore back. The tension he now felt seemed to pull at every muscle. Making a decision he turned back to the kitchen and the cabinet above the fridge where he kept things out of the reach of small hands, Roy's kid's hands. He slammed his fist against the door of the fridge, and stood for a moment looking from the half empty bottle of bourbon and the bottles of prescription pain pills he never seemed to finish even though Dr. Brackett always insisted he did.
After a few minutes of indecision, he grabbed a couple of the bottles and read the labels. There was a variety of pain pills, muscle relaxers and sedatives. He knew enough about medications not to mix certain ones and how others would affect him. What he needed was something strong enough to help him relax, sleep, not think or dream, but not too strong to make him unable to function at work tomorrow. Deciding on muscle relaxers similar to what Brackett had given him yesterday; he twisted off the cap and dropped two in his hand hesitating for only a few minutes before throwing them into his mouth and dry swallowing.
Roy heard the answering machine pick up again. "Hey Johnny, we missed you this morning. Jenny and Chris were disappointed. Um…we uh… well this kids… uh they wanted to see if you wanted to come to dinner, Joanne too… uh…" BEEP. He stood for a moment with the silent phone next to his ear. He hadn't told Johnny he wanted him to come. He had run out of time. Then the shrill off the hook tone screamed in his ear and he jerked it away from his ear and slammed it down on the hook.
"Everything okay?" Joanne asked from the kitchen doorway. "Was he mad? Did he hang up on you?" When Roy just stood staring at the phone and not answering her, Joanne got a little worried. She stepped over and put her hand on his shoulder as she calmly spoke his name. "Roy?"
Roy jumped. "What? Oh Joanne, I didn't know you were there. What did you say?"
"I asked if everything was okay. You slammed the phone down like you were angry. Did you two have words?"
Roy turned and pulled Joanne into his strong arms and when she rested her head on his shoulder he rested he chin atop her head. Their bodies seemed to fit perfectly. "No honey, we didn't have words. I had to leave a message. I just didn't hang up before that loud screeching noise came on. I hate that. I guess I just hung up in a hurry to shut out the noise." He kissed the top of her head and let her step back. She looked into his eyes for truth.
"Well he'll call back. What should we have?" Joanne smiled up at Roy.
Johnny had already shed his clothes and turned on the water for his shower when he heard the phone ring; wanting nothing more to ease the ache in his body, he ignored it and stepped into the shower. He stood in the very hot shower letting the heated spray cascade down his sore back. He'd slept half a day away and most of the night, but he still felt tired, weary; almost hung over. He hated it when the doctors at Rampart drugged him up. He hated not being in control of his own body…his own mind. When the drugs kicked in and took control of his senses sending him into oblivion, he always fought it dreading the way he'd feel when he woke up. They always left him feeling like he had been on a drunken binge. Not that he'd been on many, he wasn't much of a drinker, but the few times he'd woken up not remembering how he'd gotten home or why his mouth felt full of cotton and dry as the Sahara not to mention why he felt so nauseous was enough to teach him never to do it again. Of course that promise he'd made to himself sometimes slipped his mind when he lost a brother in the fire service, but each time he vowed that it would never happen again.
He turned and let the water wash across his face and chest. He knew Dixie had cleaned him up at Rampart. She always took such care to make him feel better, but for some reason the smell of smoke lingered in his senses. He reached for the shampoo to wash his hair for the second time. When the water ran cold he stepped from the shower, grabbed the towel from the rack and began wiping down his arms and legs. When he draped the towel across his back and moved it back and forth he winced. He thought about how hard his air tank had crushed against his back and wondered how long it would take for the bruising to go away. It wasn't the first time he'd suffered deep bruising. If he stayed in the fire department, it likely wouldn't be the last.
Shrugging off the thoughts that had been running through his mind, he draped the towel over his shoulders. He was alone, so there was no need for modesty.
He crossed the bedroom and reached for the pair of sweats he'd discarded before going to his last shift at the station. When he pulled them on he was careful not to let the waistband rub his back or snap against his skin. He threw towel in the corner with the others that needed to be washed. Deciding that a shirt would only rub against his back he didn't bother putting one on.
Even after a shower that should have left him feeling fresh and clean, he still felt near exhaustion. 'Must be the drugs still in my system,' he thought. 'Maybe I'll feel better after breakfast.' He headed to the kitchen to see what he could find to eat. He wasn't really hungry. He couldn't help the smile that came with that thought. Chet would have a field day and throw out a barrage of jabs about his lack of hunger, but the smile was fleeting. Everyone seemed to be concerned about him lately, worried about him not taking care of himself. That thought brought him to remembering how he had overheard Brackett and Early discussing his health with Roy, and after the way his supposed partner and best friend had been treating him lately and had tricked him into going to his place like a child who couldn't think for himself, the rage from yesterday began to resurface.
Johnny opened cabinet after cabinet, turned to the fridge and swung the door open with just a bit too much force slinging the ketchup bottle skidding across the floor. He slammed the door and stooped to pick up the stray bottle; turning and slamming it down on the table giving up on food.
He stalked out of the kitchen and stood in the living room starring at the sofa. He didn't want to watch TV. He didn't want to go out. He really didn't want to think anymore. He didn't want to feel the way he felt. He especially didn't want to think about his next shift or how things were changing. Suddenly, the oblivion he'd wanted to avoid seemed inviting. He rubbed his sore back. The tension he now felt seemed to pull at every muscle. Making a decision he turned back to the kitchen and the cabinet above the fridge where he kept things out of the reach of small hands, Roy's kid's hands. He slammed his fist against the door of the fridge, and stood for a moment looking from the half empty bottle of bourbon and the bottles of prescription pain pills he never seemed to finish even though Dr. Brackett always insisted he did.
After a few minutes of indecision, he grabbed a couple of the bottles and read the labels. There was a variety of pain pills, muscle relaxers and sedatives. He knew enough about medications not to mix certain ones and how others would affect him. What he needed was something strong enough to help him relax, sleep, not think or dream, but not too strong to make him unable to function at work tomorrow. Deciding on muscle relaxers similar to what Brackett had given him yesterday; he twisted off the cap and dropped two in his hand hesitating for only a few minutes before throwing them into his mouth and dry swallowing.
Chapter Fourteen
As he pulled around the station, Johnny noticed Roy’s Porsche. He had thought today might be the beginning of a new partnership, but now he got to look forward to yet another tense shift. Sighing he slid the Rover into his usual spot, shut off the engine, leaned his head back and closed his eyes; thinking maybe if he just kept to himself they could get through it without another confrontation.
Chet looked up from putting his turnout coat on his seat in the engine and noticed Johnny pulling in. What surprised him was that Johnny didn’t swing around and back in like he usually did. He walked to the back of the engine and pretended to be checking the hoses while keeping an eye on the Rover. Johnny hadn’t gotten out yet. That too was unusual. Johnny more often than not was climbing out as he shut off the engine. Something was up. Chet moved around to the other side not wanting Johnny to catch him watching. He listened for the truck door to close before turning back around. When he did he couldn’t believe Johnny’s appearance. The man looked positively haggard. His feet shuffled; missing was the normal spring in his step. It looked as though he’d forgotten to comb his hair, and his uniforms were practically dragging the ground. “Hey Gage, what the hell happened to you? Did ya tie on a good one yesterday?” He badgered. Johnny walked past without any response. “What’s-a-matter babe? Hangover?” Chet feigned a chuckle while concern ran rampant. Surely, things were better between Johnny and Roy by now. They’d been so concerned about each other just last shift. It wasn’t like Johnny to drink much less come in hung over. This was bad…really bad. He turned and headed to the kitchen to find Mike and Marco.
Johnny heard Chet taunting him, but he just didn’t have the energy to face The Phantom right now. He had to get changed and find some coffee before roll call. His stomach growled just as he pushed on the locker room door. He hoped that C-Shift had cooked breakfast and left a few morsels behind. He’d slept through the day yesterday after taking those pills and woke up late this morning not having time to eat. As he stepped through the door he hesitated. Roy was sitting on the bench lacing his work boots. Johnny quickly averted his eyes and crossed to his locker flinging the door open with a little too much force. With the door open he could avoid making eye contact.
Roy glanced up from his boot and was shocked at his partner’s appearance. “You okay?” Johnny mumbled something into his locker that Roy couldn’t make out. He finished lacing his boot and stood. “Johnny?” His partner leaned back and looked around the locker door. “You alright?”
“I said I’m fine, Roy.” He ducked back behind the door and pulled off his t-shirt quickly replacing it with a white one from his locker hoping Roy hadn’t seen the colorful bruises still decorating his back.
“You don’t look fine.” Roy’s tone sounded unintentionally condescending. “You look like Hell.”
That did it; Johnny slammed the locker door with his blue work shirt squeezed in his right hand. “I get it, Roy. We all get it!” He waved the shirt in the air banging his knuckles against the locker, but he was too angry to let it slow him down. “Everybody knows you think I can’t handle the squad without you in it. Well I can! I’ve done it before when you were on the injured list. I know you passed the training before me. Hell, you practically built the program, but I performed the first official procedure. Me!” He stabbed his finger in his chest. “I shocked the first heart attack victim back to life. Me…not you. So you see, we were both in it from the get go. Yeah, you’ve been a firefighter and a rescue man longer than me, but we became paramedics at the same damn time!” He shook out his shirt and whipped it around pulling it onto his arms. His back muscles screamed at the movement, but again he didn’t allow himself to show it. He wouldn’t let Roy see the pain he felt from the abrupt movement. The bruises were still sore, but no worse than any other guy who had fallen on his tank or had debris fall on him. He could work through it. His fingers trembled as he fumbled with the buttons. “I know you don’t really want to leave a program you helped build. You’re one of the best. But obviously it’s what you planned on doing when you signed up to take the test. Right?” He glared at Roy who hadn’t said a word. “Well what did you think was gonna happen? Did you hope to fail? I don’t believe that, because you’ve never failed at anything in your life. So, the problem has to be that you don’t think I can do the job without you. Is that it?” Johnny stopped fiddling with the buttons. They just wouldn’t close. “Well get over yourself Desoto. This is my house now. Ya got that! My squad. You’re leaving.” With that Johnny turned and disappeared through the door while pinning his badge on the unbuttoned shirt; leaving Roy standing with his mouth open.
Johnny rounded the engine and stopped with his hands on his hips, so much for no confrontation. He ran his hands through his hair, looked at his reddened knuckles and leaned back against the side panel taking a few deep breaths. Then he slowly buttoned his shirt. Pushing off the engine he tucked it in as he crossed the bay towards the kitchen. He’d lost his appetite, but knew he needed to try to eat something. They could get called out as soon as C-shift left and be gone all day. When he entered the kitchen there was a hushed silence. No one looked up at him… neither his shift mates nor the guys from the other shift. “Morning.” He said softly as he crossed to the coffee pot.
Someone behind him cleared their throat. A chair scraped and he could hear someone walking as he lifted the cup to his lips and took a sip with his back still to the room. The coffee was hot and bitter, but he sipped again. He knew they’d all heard. He had to turn around and face them, but not before one…or two more sips of coffee…and maybe he’d top off the cup.
“Here Johnny.” Mike held out a plate with bacon, eggs and toast. “C-shift had leftovers. You, um, you look like you could use it.” He waved to the table with the plate before moving to set it down. In typical Mike fashion that was all that was said. The engineer turned and returned to his seat at the table.
Johnny sat down and picked up a piece of bacon. He stopped with it in mid air. “What?” he asked before biting off half the strip, and then with his mouth full of bacon he continued on. “Well, come on ask.”
“Ask what, Gage?” Chet, always the one to speak up, asked with a raised eyebrow.
“About that.” He pointed with the other half of the bacon strip. “You all want to know, don’t ya? Well I’ll tell ya. Roy’s just worrying like he always does.” He pulled the strip back to his mouth and finished it off. Then he picked up his fork and scooped up some eggs. “I told him though.” He took a bite and chewed for a minute. “I told him this is now my house; my squad. Done deal.” He sounded confident on the outside; felt sick on the inside, the food almost getting stuck on its way down.
“Oh that. Yeah, we heard all that. What we wanted to know was what happened on your day off.” Chet smiled and wiggled his eye brows. Of course they all heard, but that was a very uncomfortable subject for everyone. “Was it with a babe?”
“Huh?” Johnny stopped in mid bite of toast.
“Why you’re hung over?” Chet continued. No one else had said anything, but they all leaned in pretending to be in on the question. They’d all agreed before Johnny got in the room that they wouldn’t question either of the two paramedics about the yelling. It was safer to just leave that alone. The guys hoped that if they were lucky the two men might still walk away from this promotion situation as friends, especially if no one talked about it.
Johnny’s mouth dropped open and he leaned back in his chair. He almost spoke up to tell them he wasn’t hung over, but he stopped for a second and decided that yes, in a way he was. Pain pills and muscle relaxers always did that to him. Maybe it would be easier to let everyone think that he had been drunk. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” He leaned forward and picked up his fork again.
“Aw come on Johnny.” Marco teased.
Johnny smiled. “Nope…not telling.”
Roy couldn’t believe what he’d just heard from his best friend. Johnny got excited, but he rarely ever yelled. Was Johnny right? He looked at the door as it swung shut. No, of course he wasn’t. Roy knew what a great paramedic Johnny was. He admired the way he could calm a hysterical patient, and never seemed to fear any rescue. He did plan to take the test to get promoted. He wanted to get promoted. He needed to. He looked back at his feet and sighed. Then he crossed the locker room and pushed through the door. He could hear the bantering in the kitchen and day room, but didn’t feel like being around anyone at the moment.
He walked around the back of the engine and stopped. He looked from the squad to the engine. Was it what he wanted? He thought back to when he told Johnny he was taking the test… "So...um...yeah, I signed up to take the engineer's exam." Roy had said nervously. He couldn't even look at his best friend; his partner. He knew things were going to change. They had to...eventually anyway. "Damn." Johnny whispered almost inaudibly as he turned away.
Roy walked along the length of the big rig looking at the different compartments. He slid his hand down the smooth surface to the control panel. As he moved his fingers across the different gauges and knobs he could almost hear Mike explaining what each did and how to read the fluctuations. That brought a smile. He moved toward the front stopping to glance in at Marco’s seat; his turnout coat and helmet waiting at the ready. Then he slid his hand up and grabbed the cold metal handle and opened the door. Glancing over his shoulder to make sure no one was watching he climbed up and easily slid into the seat. He closed the door and looked out the front. It felt different from the squad, bigger. He coughed a chuckle. It was bigger. He slid his hands around the large steering wheel and looked over at Cap’s seat. He could do this. He would. It would be a different engine at a different station, but he’d trained hard for this. He looked out the side window and down at the squad not able to stop the sigh that escaped. Then he climbed down, softly closed the door and traced the 51. Soon this would no longer be his home away from home.
Chet looked up from putting his turnout coat on his seat in the engine and noticed Johnny pulling in. What surprised him was that Johnny didn’t swing around and back in like he usually did. He walked to the back of the engine and pretended to be checking the hoses while keeping an eye on the Rover. Johnny hadn’t gotten out yet. That too was unusual. Johnny more often than not was climbing out as he shut off the engine. Something was up. Chet moved around to the other side not wanting Johnny to catch him watching. He listened for the truck door to close before turning back around. When he did he couldn’t believe Johnny’s appearance. The man looked positively haggard. His feet shuffled; missing was the normal spring in his step. It looked as though he’d forgotten to comb his hair, and his uniforms were practically dragging the ground. “Hey Gage, what the hell happened to you? Did ya tie on a good one yesterday?” He badgered. Johnny walked past without any response. “What’s-a-matter babe? Hangover?” Chet feigned a chuckle while concern ran rampant. Surely, things were better between Johnny and Roy by now. They’d been so concerned about each other just last shift. It wasn’t like Johnny to drink much less come in hung over. This was bad…really bad. He turned and headed to the kitchen to find Mike and Marco.
Johnny heard Chet taunting him, but he just didn’t have the energy to face The Phantom right now. He had to get changed and find some coffee before roll call. His stomach growled just as he pushed on the locker room door. He hoped that C-Shift had cooked breakfast and left a few morsels behind. He’d slept through the day yesterday after taking those pills and woke up late this morning not having time to eat. As he stepped through the door he hesitated. Roy was sitting on the bench lacing his work boots. Johnny quickly averted his eyes and crossed to his locker flinging the door open with a little too much force. With the door open he could avoid making eye contact.
Roy glanced up from his boot and was shocked at his partner’s appearance. “You okay?” Johnny mumbled something into his locker that Roy couldn’t make out. He finished lacing his boot and stood. “Johnny?” His partner leaned back and looked around the locker door. “You alright?”
“I said I’m fine, Roy.” He ducked back behind the door and pulled off his t-shirt quickly replacing it with a white one from his locker hoping Roy hadn’t seen the colorful bruises still decorating his back.
“You don’t look fine.” Roy’s tone sounded unintentionally condescending. “You look like Hell.”
That did it; Johnny slammed the locker door with his blue work shirt squeezed in his right hand. “I get it, Roy. We all get it!” He waved the shirt in the air banging his knuckles against the locker, but he was too angry to let it slow him down. “Everybody knows you think I can’t handle the squad without you in it. Well I can! I’ve done it before when you were on the injured list. I know you passed the training before me. Hell, you practically built the program, but I performed the first official procedure. Me!” He stabbed his finger in his chest. “I shocked the first heart attack victim back to life. Me…not you. So you see, we were both in it from the get go. Yeah, you’ve been a firefighter and a rescue man longer than me, but we became paramedics at the same damn time!” He shook out his shirt and whipped it around pulling it onto his arms. His back muscles screamed at the movement, but again he didn’t allow himself to show it. He wouldn’t let Roy see the pain he felt from the abrupt movement. The bruises were still sore, but no worse than any other guy who had fallen on his tank or had debris fall on him. He could work through it. His fingers trembled as he fumbled with the buttons. “I know you don’t really want to leave a program you helped build. You’re one of the best. But obviously it’s what you planned on doing when you signed up to take the test. Right?” He glared at Roy who hadn’t said a word. “Well what did you think was gonna happen? Did you hope to fail? I don’t believe that, because you’ve never failed at anything in your life. So, the problem has to be that you don’t think I can do the job without you. Is that it?” Johnny stopped fiddling with the buttons. They just wouldn’t close. “Well get over yourself Desoto. This is my house now. Ya got that! My squad. You’re leaving.” With that Johnny turned and disappeared through the door while pinning his badge on the unbuttoned shirt; leaving Roy standing with his mouth open.
Johnny rounded the engine and stopped with his hands on his hips, so much for no confrontation. He ran his hands through his hair, looked at his reddened knuckles and leaned back against the side panel taking a few deep breaths. Then he slowly buttoned his shirt. Pushing off the engine he tucked it in as he crossed the bay towards the kitchen. He’d lost his appetite, but knew he needed to try to eat something. They could get called out as soon as C-shift left and be gone all day. When he entered the kitchen there was a hushed silence. No one looked up at him… neither his shift mates nor the guys from the other shift. “Morning.” He said softly as he crossed to the coffee pot.
Someone behind him cleared their throat. A chair scraped and he could hear someone walking as he lifted the cup to his lips and took a sip with his back still to the room. The coffee was hot and bitter, but he sipped again. He knew they’d all heard. He had to turn around and face them, but not before one…or two more sips of coffee…and maybe he’d top off the cup.
“Here Johnny.” Mike held out a plate with bacon, eggs and toast. “C-shift had leftovers. You, um, you look like you could use it.” He waved to the table with the plate before moving to set it down. In typical Mike fashion that was all that was said. The engineer turned and returned to his seat at the table.
Johnny sat down and picked up a piece of bacon. He stopped with it in mid air. “What?” he asked before biting off half the strip, and then with his mouth full of bacon he continued on. “Well, come on ask.”
“Ask what, Gage?” Chet, always the one to speak up, asked with a raised eyebrow.
“About that.” He pointed with the other half of the bacon strip. “You all want to know, don’t ya? Well I’ll tell ya. Roy’s just worrying like he always does.” He pulled the strip back to his mouth and finished it off. Then he picked up his fork and scooped up some eggs. “I told him though.” He took a bite and chewed for a minute. “I told him this is now my house; my squad. Done deal.” He sounded confident on the outside; felt sick on the inside, the food almost getting stuck on its way down.
“Oh that. Yeah, we heard all that. What we wanted to know was what happened on your day off.” Chet smiled and wiggled his eye brows. Of course they all heard, but that was a very uncomfortable subject for everyone. “Was it with a babe?”
“Huh?” Johnny stopped in mid bite of toast.
“Why you’re hung over?” Chet continued. No one else had said anything, but they all leaned in pretending to be in on the question. They’d all agreed before Johnny got in the room that they wouldn’t question either of the two paramedics about the yelling. It was safer to just leave that alone. The guys hoped that if they were lucky the two men might still walk away from this promotion situation as friends, especially if no one talked about it.
Johnny’s mouth dropped open and he leaned back in his chair. He almost spoke up to tell them he wasn’t hung over, but he stopped for a second and decided that yes, in a way he was. Pain pills and muscle relaxers always did that to him. Maybe it would be easier to let everyone think that he had been drunk. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” He leaned forward and picked up his fork again.
“Aw come on Johnny.” Marco teased.
Johnny smiled. “Nope…not telling.”
Roy couldn’t believe what he’d just heard from his best friend. Johnny got excited, but he rarely ever yelled. Was Johnny right? He looked at the door as it swung shut. No, of course he wasn’t. Roy knew what a great paramedic Johnny was. He admired the way he could calm a hysterical patient, and never seemed to fear any rescue. He did plan to take the test to get promoted. He wanted to get promoted. He needed to. He looked back at his feet and sighed. Then he crossed the locker room and pushed through the door. He could hear the bantering in the kitchen and day room, but didn’t feel like being around anyone at the moment.
He walked around the back of the engine and stopped. He looked from the squad to the engine. Was it what he wanted? He thought back to when he told Johnny he was taking the test… "So...um...yeah, I signed up to take the engineer's exam." Roy had said nervously. He couldn't even look at his best friend; his partner. He knew things were going to change. They had to...eventually anyway. "Damn." Johnny whispered almost inaudibly as he turned away.
Roy walked along the length of the big rig looking at the different compartments. He slid his hand down the smooth surface to the control panel. As he moved his fingers across the different gauges and knobs he could almost hear Mike explaining what each did and how to read the fluctuations. That brought a smile. He moved toward the front stopping to glance in at Marco’s seat; his turnout coat and helmet waiting at the ready. Then he slid his hand up and grabbed the cold metal handle and opened the door. Glancing over his shoulder to make sure no one was watching he climbed up and easily slid into the seat. He closed the door and looked out the front. It felt different from the squad, bigger. He coughed a chuckle. It was bigger. He slid his hands around the large steering wheel and looked over at Cap’s seat. He could do this. He would. It would be a different engine at a different station, but he’d trained hard for this. He looked out the side window and down at the squad not able to stop the sigh that escaped. Then he climbed down, softly closed the door and traced the 51. Soon this would no longer be his home away from home.
Chapter Fifteen
Captain Stanley eased his chair back from the desk and listened. He’d heard the altercation between his paramedics. Silence, save the familiar sound of work boots on the concrete floor, had followed the loud thump of a hand hitting the the engine, his unbuttoned shirt flapping in the breeze created by his angry pace. He stopped dead in his tracks and slumped against the engine; he looked like hell. Stanley’s eyebrow raised; concern etched a deep furrow across his forehead. He almost got up from the seat to go and check on his youngest crew member, but Johnny pushed off the engine, tucking in his shirt as he disappeared from view around the back of the squad. Stanley waited for the usual sound of Roy following behind his partner trying to calm Johnny’s rant. He sighed deeply when Roy didn’t come out of the dorms behind his partner. Hank absently rubbed his temple. This shift was not starting out well at all.
Sharing the office with the Captains from the other shifts often had its disadvantages. This was one of those times.
“Something wrong, Hank?”
The last thing Hank wanted to do right now was discuss the issues between his paramedics with another captain when he didn’t really know what was going on himself. “Uh, no…at least I hope not.” He knew Captain Hookraider had also heard the confrontation between Roy and Johnny.
“Sounds like your paramedics are having a hard time with the upcoming change.”
“Yeah, sounds that way.” Hank rubbed his temple again.
“Well if it’s any consolation, I hope they get it worked out,” Captain Hook turned back to his desk. “Almost time for shift change.”
Hank rolled his eyes. Off duty Hook was a good guy. He had a dry sense of humor, but he could keep his fellow captains laughing with his quirky ways. On shift though, he was a royal pain. If the department put Hook and Brice together permanently they wouldn’t have to send that shift any reminders of protocol. Those two knew the firefighter’s handbook like the back of their hand.
After a few moments the normal sound of good natured bantering came from the kitchen. Captain Stanley moved his chair back to the desk and grabbed his coffee mug. He smiled as he turned toward the door knowing the best way for a Captain to get a feel for what was really going on in his station was a trip to the coffee pot.
As he neared the kitchen Stanley could clearly hear Chet taunting Johnny about his activities last night. He smiled when he heard Johnny refuse to reveal any information to Chet. When he stepped into the kitchen all kidding stopped. “Good morning gentlemen.”
“Morning Cap,” echoed among the men seated around the table.
“How is everyone this morning?”
Chet spoke up before anyone else had a chance. “We’re all doing fine, Cap.” He waved his hand around the table. “Except Gage, he must have had a wild night, but he ain’t talkin’.” Johnny’s eyes shot up at Chet. How could he throw him under the engine like that? All joking aside, the last thing he needed was for Cap to think he couldn’t do his job. He looked over at his captain who was standing at the end of the table looking right at him. He ducked his head again and pushed the eggs around on his plate.
“See you in my office when you’re done, John.” Captain Stanley said as he crossed to the coffee pot and filled his cup.
Johnny’s head shot up; his mouth open, but before he could respond Cap had turned on his heels and left. “Thanks a lot Chet.” he complained as he slid his chair back and reached for the plate. He scraped the half eaten breakfast into the trash and moved toward the sink to wash his plate.
Mike stood and reached for the plate. “I’ll get that Johnny. You better go see what Cap wants.” Johnny didn’t respond. He simply handed Mike the plate and left the room watching his feet with every step.
Captain Stanley stepped into his office ahead of Johnny, “Have the office a minute?” He requested of Captain Hook.
“Sure Hank, see ya next shift.” Hookraider slid the folder he’d been working on into the top drawer, locked it, slid back from the desk and rose from his seat to face Hank.
“Ask your paramedics if they wouldn’t mind hanging around. I may need…” He left the sentence hanging in the air when he heard Johnny at the door. His and Johnny’s eyes met and he saw the hurt his request had produced.
Hook saw it too. “No problem. They won’t mind.” Captain Hookraider stepped past Johnny. “Have a safe shift.”
“Have a seat.” Stanley set his coffee on the desk as he sat.
Johnny hesitated at the door not sure if he wanted to sit, or just tell Cap to replace him for the shift. It was apparent that Cap thought he couldn’t do the job anyway. He’d just have to add his name to the growing list of people who doubted his ability; that thought weighed heavily on his mind.
Captain Stanley noticed his hesitation. “John, sit down please. We need to talk.”
Looking up for a split second before averting his eyes, Johnny didn’t move. “It’s okay, Cap. If you think you need to send me home. I’ll just go.” He started to turn away.
Hank stood up from his seat and reached out placing his hand on Johnny’s shoulder. “I’m worried about you, John. Coming in like this isn’t like you. What’s going on? Come on in and have a seat. Okay?”
Johnny sighed audibly, closing his eyes and dropping his chin to his chest. “I’m fine.” He said almost too softly for Hank to hear. When Hank didn’t take his hand away, Johnny knew he would have to endure the conversation. He slowly moved to the chair and dropped down into it, still keeping his eyes away from his superior.
Hank closed the door; then stepped back and resumed his seat. He knew he needed to tread softly, so he started with an update on Johnny’s injury from their last shift. “How’s your back?”
“Just a little sore.” He shrugged feeling the pull on his back. “It’s okay. I can work.”
Hank realized he would have to ask leading questions if he hoped to get any information from Johnny. For a guy that could usually keep a rant up for hours he could clam up tight as a drum if he set his mind to it. Hank cleared his throat getting a slight glance from Johnny. “So you were cleared for duty then?”
“Yes sir.”
“I can’t help but wonder if you don’t need checking out again. You look pretty rough this morning. Any truth to what Chet was thinking?”
Johnny’s eyes shot up and for a second he glared at his superior. His training kicked in before he lashed out. He knew better than to blast his superior. “No sir,” he said with a hint of the anger that question had provoked. Johnny took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Ya see, Cap, Dr. Brackett gave me something at the hospital the other day to help me…relax. I hadn’t been sleepin’ real good and with the bruising he thought it would help. Then just as I started to drift off, I heard him and Doc Early talkin’ to Roy outside the door like I can’t take care of myself. Roy’s leavin’ who are they gonna talk to then?” Johnny got up and started pacing.
Cap raised his hand to his mouth rubbing beneath his nose to hide the smile that he couldn’t contain. Johnny had gotten angry and frustrated with his last question which was just what he wanted. It was about the only way to get the man to really open up.
“I mean I am an adult.” Johnny stopped and faced his superior with his hand splayed across his chest. “I CAN take care of myself.” He turned and started pacing again. “I told them too. I grabbed my stuff and walked right into their little tete-a-tete; busted it right up. Then they said I couldn’t leave by myself, cause I’d had that stuff to make me relax. Joanne walked up about that time and offered me a ride, but she tricked me. I told her to take me home, only I fell asleep. I tried not to, but that medicine.” He stopped his trek back from across the small office and rubbed his hand through his already disheveled hair. “She said she had to pick Chris up and would take me home later if I didn’t mind waiting at their place. I was too hazy to think straight. The next thing I knew it was almost morning. I gotta tell ya Cap that really pissed me off. You know I hate a liar. I mean, I don’t hate Joanne. Roy either, but they should of told me they weren’t gonna take me home. I would have called a cab right then.” He slid back into the chair. “I did call a cab to bring me here to get the Rover.” His rant stopped as abruptly as it had started. John looked deep in thought.
“So you went home; then what?” Cap pressed on.
“Huh?” Johnny looked up like he’d been a million miles away. “Oh…um, where was I?” He thought for a minute. “I got home and took a long shower; man, that felt good. So next I was gonna eat, but I got to thinking about Roy. I got mad all over again. I was tired too. I wanted to sleep. You know REALLY sleep, so I took something to help me.” He looked directly into Hank’s eyes. “It was prescription. It was some I had from before from Doc Brackett.” Hank held up his hand in understanding and made a circular motion for Johnny to continue. He kept his other hand near his mouth; resting his chin in his palm with his fingers slightly covering his mouth. It was all he could do not to smile at Johnny. “Well okay, after taking the meds I laid down. I didn’t wake up until early this morning feeling like I was hung over. I hate the way that stuff makes me feel. For the life of me Cap, I’m not even sure why I took it. But hey Cap, don’t tell Chet.” He raised his eyebrows and grinned. “I’d kinda like to keep him guessing.” Both men laughed at that.
“Never.” Cap let his hand drop to his lap and the smile he’d been hiding spread to his eyes.
Johnny sat up straighter in his chair. “I’m okay now though. I mean I was about to starve, since I didn’t eat yesterday and got up too late this morning, but that breakfast really did help.”
Hank sobered from the happy moment and sat forward in his chair. “What about you and Roy? I heard some pretty harsh words earlier.”
Johnny sunk back down in his seat. “I’m sorry about that. He just really gets to me. I mean he took the test to be an engineer, but now he acts like he’s afraid to take the job. He acts like he’s worried about me, about whether or not I can do the job without him there to watch my every move.” He waved his arm in the air in frustration. “I told him though. This is my house now. My Squad.” He sat back with a huff, and then he looked up at Cap. “I don’t want to stand in his way. I know they could use this promotion. I don’t want him thinking he can’t take it because of me.”
Captain Stanley sat forward. “John, I know you two are friends. Don’t let this promotion get in the way of that. No matter what Roy decides. Understand?” Johnny nodded his understanding. “If you want my opinion the department is losing one of its best paramedics. I’ve told you both that many times, both of you.” He said the last line with some emphasis bringing a slight smile from Johnny. “That leaves us with only one more question. Can you work this shift with Roy, because if you can’t…?” He left the question hanging and waited for a response.
Roy had seen Captain Stanley go the dayroom with his coffee cup when he came out of the dorm. He hadn’t followed him though. His attention had turned to the Engine and Squad. Neither Cap nor Johnny had seen him looking at the control panel of the engine as they walked toward Cap’s office; Roy hadn’t seen them either. He did see the door closed when he stepped down from the engine. Worry creased his brow. Was Johnny still in there? Was he in trouble? Was he sick? Would Cap send him home? The rapid fire of questions raced through his mind as he stood looking over the top of the squad at the closed door. The only time that door was shut on the A shift at 51’s was when there was something big going on inside; something Cap didn’t want to share with those outside the room. Roy turned to the dayroom to see if he could find any answers there.
Sharing the office with the Captains from the other shifts often had its disadvantages. This was one of those times.
“Something wrong, Hank?”
The last thing Hank wanted to do right now was discuss the issues between his paramedics with another captain when he didn’t really know what was going on himself. “Uh, no…at least I hope not.” He knew Captain Hookraider had also heard the confrontation between Roy and Johnny.
“Sounds like your paramedics are having a hard time with the upcoming change.”
“Yeah, sounds that way.” Hank rubbed his temple again.
“Well if it’s any consolation, I hope they get it worked out,” Captain Hook turned back to his desk. “Almost time for shift change.”
Hank rolled his eyes. Off duty Hook was a good guy. He had a dry sense of humor, but he could keep his fellow captains laughing with his quirky ways. On shift though, he was a royal pain. If the department put Hook and Brice together permanently they wouldn’t have to send that shift any reminders of protocol. Those two knew the firefighter’s handbook like the back of their hand.
After a few moments the normal sound of good natured bantering came from the kitchen. Captain Stanley moved his chair back to the desk and grabbed his coffee mug. He smiled as he turned toward the door knowing the best way for a Captain to get a feel for what was really going on in his station was a trip to the coffee pot.
As he neared the kitchen Stanley could clearly hear Chet taunting Johnny about his activities last night. He smiled when he heard Johnny refuse to reveal any information to Chet. When he stepped into the kitchen all kidding stopped. “Good morning gentlemen.”
“Morning Cap,” echoed among the men seated around the table.
“How is everyone this morning?”
Chet spoke up before anyone else had a chance. “We’re all doing fine, Cap.” He waved his hand around the table. “Except Gage, he must have had a wild night, but he ain’t talkin’.” Johnny’s eyes shot up at Chet. How could he throw him under the engine like that? All joking aside, the last thing he needed was for Cap to think he couldn’t do his job. He looked over at his captain who was standing at the end of the table looking right at him. He ducked his head again and pushed the eggs around on his plate.
“See you in my office when you’re done, John.” Captain Stanley said as he crossed to the coffee pot and filled his cup.
Johnny’s head shot up; his mouth open, but before he could respond Cap had turned on his heels and left. “Thanks a lot Chet.” he complained as he slid his chair back and reached for the plate. He scraped the half eaten breakfast into the trash and moved toward the sink to wash his plate.
Mike stood and reached for the plate. “I’ll get that Johnny. You better go see what Cap wants.” Johnny didn’t respond. He simply handed Mike the plate and left the room watching his feet with every step.
Captain Stanley stepped into his office ahead of Johnny, “Have the office a minute?” He requested of Captain Hook.
“Sure Hank, see ya next shift.” Hookraider slid the folder he’d been working on into the top drawer, locked it, slid back from the desk and rose from his seat to face Hank.
“Ask your paramedics if they wouldn’t mind hanging around. I may need…” He left the sentence hanging in the air when he heard Johnny at the door. His and Johnny’s eyes met and he saw the hurt his request had produced.
Hook saw it too. “No problem. They won’t mind.” Captain Hookraider stepped past Johnny. “Have a safe shift.”
“Have a seat.” Stanley set his coffee on the desk as he sat.
Johnny hesitated at the door not sure if he wanted to sit, or just tell Cap to replace him for the shift. It was apparent that Cap thought he couldn’t do the job anyway. He’d just have to add his name to the growing list of people who doubted his ability; that thought weighed heavily on his mind.
Captain Stanley noticed his hesitation. “John, sit down please. We need to talk.”
Looking up for a split second before averting his eyes, Johnny didn’t move. “It’s okay, Cap. If you think you need to send me home. I’ll just go.” He started to turn away.
Hank stood up from his seat and reached out placing his hand on Johnny’s shoulder. “I’m worried about you, John. Coming in like this isn’t like you. What’s going on? Come on in and have a seat. Okay?”
Johnny sighed audibly, closing his eyes and dropping his chin to his chest. “I’m fine.” He said almost too softly for Hank to hear. When Hank didn’t take his hand away, Johnny knew he would have to endure the conversation. He slowly moved to the chair and dropped down into it, still keeping his eyes away from his superior.
Hank closed the door; then stepped back and resumed his seat. He knew he needed to tread softly, so he started with an update on Johnny’s injury from their last shift. “How’s your back?”
“Just a little sore.” He shrugged feeling the pull on his back. “It’s okay. I can work.”
Hank realized he would have to ask leading questions if he hoped to get any information from Johnny. For a guy that could usually keep a rant up for hours he could clam up tight as a drum if he set his mind to it. Hank cleared his throat getting a slight glance from Johnny. “So you were cleared for duty then?”
“Yes sir.”
“I can’t help but wonder if you don’t need checking out again. You look pretty rough this morning. Any truth to what Chet was thinking?”
Johnny’s eyes shot up and for a second he glared at his superior. His training kicked in before he lashed out. He knew better than to blast his superior. “No sir,” he said with a hint of the anger that question had provoked. Johnny took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Ya see, Cap, Dr. Brackett gave me something at the hospital the other day to help me…relax. I hadn’t been sleepin’ real good and with the bruising he thought it would help. Then just as I started to drift off, I heard him and Doc Early talkin’ to Roy outside the door like I can’t take care of myself. Roy’s leavin’ who are they gonna talk to then?” Johnny got up and started pacing.
Cap raised his hand to his mouth rubbing beneath his nose to hide the smile that he couldn’t contain. Johnny had gotten angry and frustrated with his last question which was just what he wanted. It was about the only way to get the man to really open up.
“I mean I am an adult.” Johnny stopped and faced his superior with his hand splayed across his chest. “I CAN take care of myself.” He turned and started pacing again. “I told them too. I grabbed my stuff and walked right into their little tete-a-tete; busted it right up. Then they said I couldn’t leave by myself, cause I’d had that stuff to make me relax. Joanne walked up about that time and offered me a ride, but she tricked me. I told her to take me home, only I fell asleep. I tried not to, but that medicine.” He stopped his trek back from across the small office and rubbed his hand through his already disheveled hair. “She said she had to pick Chris up and would take me home later if I didn’t mind waiting at their place. I was too hazy to think straight. The next thing I knew it was almost morning. I gotta tell ya Cap that really pissed me off. You know I hate a liar. I mean, I don’t hate Joanne. Roy either, but they should of told me they weren’t gonna take me home. I would have called a cab right then.” He slid back into the chair. “I did call a cab to bring me here to get the Rover.” His rant stopped as abruptly as it had started. John looked deep in thought.
“So you went home; then what?” Cap pressed on.
“Huh?” Johnny looked up like he’d been a million miles away. “Oh…um, where was I?” He thought for a minute. “I got home and took a long shower; man, that felt good. So next I was gonna eat, but I got to thinking about Roy. I got mad all over again. I was tired too. I wanted to sleep. You know REALLY sleep, so I took something to help me.” He looked directly into Hank’s eyes. “It was prescription. It was some I had from before from Doc Brackett.” Hank held up his hand in understanding and made a circular motion for Johnny to continue. He kept his other hand near his mouth; resting his chin in his palm with his fingers slightly covering his mouth. It was all he could do not to smile at Johnny. “Well okay, after taking the meds I laid down. I didn’t wake up until early this morning feeling like I was hung over. I hate the way that stuff makes me feel. For the life of me Cap, I’m not even sure why I took it. But hey Cap, don’t tell Chet.” He raised his eyebrows and grinned. “I’d kinda like to keep him guessing.” Both men laughed at that.
“Never.” Cap let his hand drop to his lap and the smile he’d been hiding spread to his eyes.
Johnny sat up straighter in his chair. “I’m okay now though. I mean I was about to starve, since I didn’t eat yesterday and got up too late this morning, but that breakfast really did help.”
Hank sobered from the happy moment and sat forward in his chair. “What about you and Roy? I heard some pretty harsh words earlier.”
Johnny sunk back down in his seat. “I’m sorry about that. He just really gets to me. I mean he took the test to be an engineer, but now he acts like he’s afraid to take the job. He acts like he’s worried about me, about whether or not I can do the job without him there to watch my every move.” He waved his arm in the air in frustration. “I told him though. This is my house now. My Squad.” He sat back with a huff, and then he looked up at Cap. “I don’t want to stand in his way. I know they could use this promotion. I don’t want him thinking he can’t take it because of me.”
Captain Stanley sat forward. “John, I know you two are friends. Don’t let this promotion get in the way of that. No matter what Roy decides. Understand?” Johnny nodded his understanding. “If you want my opinion the department is losing one of its best paramedics. I’ve told you both that many times, both of you.” He said the last line with some emphasis bringing a slight smile from Johnny. “That leaves us with only one more question. Can you work this shift with Roy, because if you can’t…?” He left the question hanging and waited for a response.
Roy had seen Captain Stanley go the dayroom with his coffee cup when he came out of the dorm. He hadn’t followed him though. His attention had turned to the Engine and Squad. Neither Cap nor Johnny had seen him looking at the control panel of the engine as they walked toward Cap’s office; Roy hadn’t seen them either. He did see the door closed when he stepped down from the engine. Worry creased his brow. Was Johnny still in there? Was he in trouble? Was he sick? Would Cap send him home? The rapid fire of questions raced through his mind as he stood looking over the top of the squad at the closed door. The only time that door was shut on the A shift at 51’s was when there was something big going on inside; something Cap didn’t want to share with those outside the room. Roy turned to the dayroom to see if he could find any answers there.
