Mishaps and
Maladies
by GCS
A lunch conversation helps the crew of Station 51 remember some of their funniest rescues.
DISCLAIMER: "Emergency!" and its characters © Mark VII Productions, Inc. and Universal Studios. All rights reserved.
No infringement of any copyrights or trademarks is intended or should be inferred. This is a work of fiction, and any similarity to actual persons or events is purely coincidental. This story is only written for entertainment. No financial gain is being realized from it. The story, itself, is the property of the author.
"Remember the time we got called out to that woman that couldn't breathe and it turned out her girdle was too tight? You got hit in the face with it when you cut it off. That was hilarious!" Roy fell back in his chair laughing at the memory.
"Hey you weren't supposed to tell anyone about that," Johnny whined. "We agreed on that partner. I can't believe….."
"Aw come on Gage we all heard about it from your partner as soon as you were out of earshot that day." Chet loved taunting his pigeon. "What about the time those kids put that dummy on top of that tower? That was a good prank for such young boys."
Johnny rolled his eyes, "Tell that to my ribs." He absently rubbed the area where he had impacted with the tower that day when he slipped. "Remember the time the engine's front tire got in that sink hole?"
"That wasn't a sink hole Gage. Don't you know the difference between a sinkhole and a pothole?" Chet pushed Johnny's buttons again.
"Of course I do Chester. A pothole only affects the asphalt. A sinkhole goes deeper into the earth below. That was definitely a sinkhole. Besides the tire would have kept going if the hole had been bigger at the time."
Marco, Mike and Captain Stanley snickered at the two adversaries. They were enjoying the banter between Chet and Johnny over lunch today.
"Hey how about the time that band's apartment burned? Man those kids were really strange. That one couple that had the baby and the girl thought they were having bad luck because they eloped," Marco was getting into the game.
"Yeah and Dr. Morton said Johnny was soft," Chet busted out laughing at that memory.
"I am not soft," grumbled Johnny. "Not then, not now, not ever!" He admonished as he splayed his hand across his chest.
"Anyone see a pattern here?" Mike got into the game.
Everyone looked at Mike, but they were so shocked that he had interjected into the conversation that they did not respond.
"Well I remember the time that other guy submitted his invention that was the same thing Roy and Johnny thought about making and he won. John you were so upset about that. We sure have had some crazy times together as a crew." Captain Stanley couldn't resist getting his two cents in.
"What about the time Johnny left his HT down inside that car over the cliff?" Chet was treading on thin ice and he knew it but couldn't resist.
"Hey let's not bring up any snakes here! I hate snakes. That Chester B was not a fun time. It was not funny, and I don't care to remember that day." Johnny leaned towards his counterpart with a serious expression on his face.
"Or that spaced out Dame," Chet continued. "Anybody see that pattern Mike mentioned?"
"You mean the one where Johnny always gets hurt," Marco chuckled.
"Hey! Hey…..Now wait just a darn minute!" Johnny was getting upset now. Really upset. He knew deep down inside that his friends were just messing with him, but this was hitting too close to home. Some of those times he was close to dying and he did not see the humor in it. Truthfully his shift mates knew the seriousness of his injuries on those calls, but they loved playing with Johnny.
"I remember the time we got called out to that possible heart attack, and the guy wanted to take a shower before he would go with us to the hospital. His wife was so upset with him. He kept saying that his mother who had passed away a few months before had always told him to wear clean underwear in case he was ever in an accident or had to go the hospital." Roy chuckled at the memory.
"Oh yeah I remember that guy. He was something else." Johnny's mind drifted to the rescue call.
"W e l l? I don't think you guys have ever told us about that run." Chet pushed for more information. The other guys leaned into the table their interest peaked as well.
"Really? We never told you? Well this guy see, he was what Roy 40?"
"Yeah 40. He was having chest pains, possible heart attack. We get there and he is arguing with his wife about taking a shower. He was getting so upset that she finally asked us if it would be okay. Thinking he was going to die on the spot if we didn't give in and that we couldn't give him any kind of sedative until we could check him out, we let him." Roy paused in thought, and Johnny took the opportunity to get in on the next bit of the story.
"He was a father too. He had two of the prettiest little girls I have ever seen. They were 8 and 12 I think. One of them was named after a car. Mercedes or Jag…no Bentley, that's it her name was Bentley. That is such a cool name for a girl don't ya think?" Not giving anyone a chance to respond he continued on with his story. "We were responding with Engine 110. Their squad was at Rampart from that huge MVA we had all been on. Man we had been going all morning and hoped we had enough supplies to take care of the guy. Anyway, once he was showered he lay down on his bed and let us check him out. Man his heart rate was crazy high, over 200 beats."
"Yeah I don't know if we've had another patient with one that high." Roy paused again in thought.
"Hey don't get into the medical aspects here. I want to hear the rest of the story," Chet whined.
"Well here we were in this guy's bedroom. We get on the horn to Rampart and get all the treatment instructions. I pop open the drug box to set up the IV and low and behold there is no tape. None. Nada. Not any of any kind. So I look over at Roy here. We hadn't had time to stop by Rampart after the busy afternoon we had. Man that was embarrassing too. Here we are with another engine crew and no tape can't start an IV without tape. We didn't want to tell the patient or his wife. That would not look good on the department, so I quietly asked 110's captain if they had any on the engine. He sent one of his guys out to check. Now you won't believe this, but they had left their first aid kit at the scene of the MVA. They didn't have any tape either, at least not any first aid tape. All they had…..now get this….all they had was duct tape. You know that grey plumbers' tape." Johnny leaned his chair back on the two hind legs and smiled his big crooked Johnny Gage grin. "Yep duct tape."
Roy chuckled at the thought, "Yeah I was never so embarrassed in my life on a scene. All we had to secure the IV with was duct tape."
"The patient was beside himself with laughter. He was suffering from a possible heart attack, but having the biggest laugh out of the fact that we had to do his IV with duct tape. He kept cracking jokes about how that was another one for the duct tape hall of fame. He was hilarious. All the way to the hospital he joked about the many uses of duct tape that had nothing to do with plumbing: keeping mailboxes on their posts, covering car windows that were broken out, securing car bumpers in place, and now keeping his IV in place. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard. I was seriously afraid he would have that heart attack and die laughing." All of the guys around the table were laughing now.
"Man that is some story," Captain Stanley commented. "I can't believe you never told us."
"Oh there's more," Roy told the men. "Funny though we had 11 people in that house: me, Johnny, his wife, his brother and his brother's wife, the Captain and three of his crew, and the ambulance attendants. You know how some houses are so hard to maneuver a stretcher in? This was one of those hallways. We had to get the guy on a stretcher. His heart rate was just too high to do anything else. Anyway, we had to open the bedroom door across the hall where the two girls were sleeping; one of the engine crew's men slipped into their room and guided the gurney as the ambulance driver pointed it into the master bedroom. We got the duct tape clad guy on the gurney and repeated the process in reverse. We looked like a bunch of ants in there. Do you know that those little girls slept through the whole thing? God must have really been watching over them to keep them from seeing their dad whisked away by a bunch of strangers in dirty turnout coats."
"Man that is really something," Marco stared at Roy in bewilderment. He was the religious one of the group. "God is so good."
"Well anyway on the way to the hospital this guy decides that he wants to get something to eat before we go to the ER. Here he is….heart beating out of his chest and he is thinking about his stomach. Can you believe that?" Johnny spread his hands into the air on either side of his body.
Roy, Chet, Mike, Marco, and Captain Stanley were bowled over in laughter.
"What?"
"Never mind Johnny, just tell us what did you do?" Captain Stanley averted Johnny's attention back to the story.
"Well we couldn't stop for food, obviously, but he just kept asking. He said he hated hospital food. I have to tell ya I can relate to that. Anyway he wanted to know if the ambulance could go through the drive thru at McDonalds and get him a Big Mac, Large Fries, and a Chocolate Shake. He was serious too." After a pause in the story to get a long drink of his milk Johnny proceeded to tell about what happened once they had arrived at the hospital. "He was making jokes about how they were collecting all of his hair down in the basement of the hospital making a giant hair ball. I guess when they pulled that duct tape off it took a lot of hair with it. He had everyone in the exam room in tears."
"Well Johnny what happened after that?" Marco asked.
"Um…well…he uh," Johnny stumbled over the words.
"He had to have heart valve replacement surgery and it did not go well. He had a second surgery a few days later. He didn't survive." Roy answered for him.
All of the men around the table visibly sobered.
"You know I don't always go to the services for a patient that doesn't survive, but this guy he was special. I'm glad I went," Johnny appeared to be deep in thought as he said the next words. "He had been a Deacon at his church, owned his own business, and also sold free lance for another larger company. There were so many people at the wake. I think there must have been over 250 people."
"Yeah and I bet there was over 300 at the funeral. I have never been to a service with so many people," Roy shook his head in wonderment. "And the stories people shared about him. He touched so many lives."
"Remember the one about how he used to switch the names of the bank tellers on their desk plates, or how he did that skit in high school called Captain Jerk and Mr. Spook? Now that was a funny story." Johnny laughed out loud. "Captain Jerk and Mr. Spook you know like Star Trek's Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock."
"Well I remember the story the Pastor told about how he used to run the sound booth at church. How when the Pastor's mike was not on he would hold up a sign that said 'Is your mike on?' or when the choir was singing he had a sign that said 'Smile Jesus loves you'. He definitely lived life to the fullest."
"After the funeral his wife invited everyone over to their home for a deck party. Apparently he loved to have friends over all the time. They would sit around on the deck and visit. Like our cookouts, just having fun being together. All of the people sat around and roasted the guy. They told some of the funniest stories. Once he had gone to a strip club to sell them a sign and while he was there he played a joke on some of his business associates by signing them up for frequent customer cards. He had those cards mailed to their places of business. Can you imagine getting a VIP pass to a strip club at work? All of the guys thought it was really funny. They weren't mad or anything. They knew that he really cared about their friendship you know?" Johnny could not help but smile at the thought.
"Well all I know is he spent a lot of time concentrating on bringing some fun into the everyday lives of all those around him. His wife told about how he proposed to her on top of a skyscraper helicopter pad overlooking a river. The bridges across the river were all lit up. It was night time and the city was ablaze with lights. There they were up on this 'pedestal' as she called it, and he got down on one knee and asker for her hand." Leave it to Roy to remember the mushy love story. "She said she was moved beyond words. Then at the wedding they started to leave before they had finished their vows. They lit the unity candle and then started to head out when the best man whispered to them to turn around. The bride, the groom, the best man and the preacher broke out in quiet giggles. She said she tried so hard to control her giggles that her shoulders shook and after the ceremony was over everyone came up to her to tell her how beautiful it was and how she had cried. She said she busted out laughing and had to tell everyone how they were all laughing. It was all they could do to finish their wedding vows without losing it. They really had a good life together. At the wake she had pictures displayed of the two of them with their children riding rides at theme parks. They were all smiling, laughing, and raising their arms on the roller coasters. They must have been to every theme park in the country."
"She told us that he had suffered from heart problems ever since he was 19 years old, but most people never knew it. He never showed it and only told it to people that needed to know. He was amazing." Johnny shook his head smiling.
"Well guys I for one am really glad you told us about this patient. I am truly sorry he didn't survive. What happened to his wife and daughters?" Captain Stanley asked.
"Well as far as I know she closed their business, and she and the girls are still living in their home. I haven't talked to them in a couple of months, but I try to check on them from time to time. She is a very nice looking woman. I asked her to dinner once, but she wasn't ready to go out then." Johnny explained.
"Aw man Gage that's just like you to ask a woman out who just lost her husband. What were you thinkin' man?" Chet whined.
"I didn't ask her on a date Chet. We have become pretty good friends. I have given her daughters some riding lessons. They're good kids. I just asked her to dinner. Why do you have to read so much into everything? Besides the guy's friends thought that he played tricks on them and did funny stuff to prove how much he cared. Is that whey the Phantom picks on me Chet? Because deep down you….uh I mean The Phantom really cares?" Johnny smiled over at Chet.
"What no way Gage," Chet said as he got up from the table. "No way you're just an easy mark." Chet left the day room and headed towards the latrines. He was once again assigned cleaning the latrines as his shift duty. Johnny was right on his heels.
"Sure Chet you really do care don't ya?"
Chet walked faster and avoided looking at Johnny. Mike, Roy, Marco, and Captain Stanley watched the two disappear into the locker room arguing back and forth as to whether the Phantom's pranks were proof that he really cared about Johnny. The four men laughed together as they cleared the lunch dishes.
Roy smiled at his friends as he walked into the apparatus bay, "Well it looks like Johnny got the Phantom this time."
9/10/09
