Finding a Way Out
Chapter Five
Facing Fear
Feeling better about his future Johnny decided to get some dinner and try to get some real sleep. It was also time for another pain pill. He hated the way they made him feel, but he wanted to sleep tonight. He hadn't told anyone, but his shoulder was really hurting after his fall earlier. Hopefully he wouldn't have any bad dreams tonight. Finding a bowl of lasagna Joanne had put in his freezer he turned the oven on to the proper heat setting according to her notes taped to the top of the bowl. He removed the note and put the casserole dish in the oven, set the time and headed into the great room to watch the news while his dinner heated. Before he could get through the door leading from the kitchen to the great room the telephone rang. "Hello Gage residence."
"Hey Johnny."
"Evening Roy. How's it going?"
"Good. We've been pretty busy today, simple stuff, but still a lot of runs. You doing okay Junior?"
"Well Pally since you sent the Calvary out here to check on me I'm doing great. Brackett sent a sedative. Somebody must have talked to him today. Wonder who that might have been?"
"Johnny…"
"No really Roy did you have to call Brackett? I don't want him thinking I need to be off any longer than I have to."
"I didn't."
"I mean really Roy I just wanted to do a few….wait…what? You didn't, then who?"
"Joanne called Dixie. She was worried about you Johnny. She said she found you having another bad dream. She said you looked like you hadn't slept since you got home. She loves you Junior. Please don't be upset with her."
Johnny was silent on the other end of the phone line for a long time. Roy knew he was still there, because he could hear him breathing. He ran his hands through his hair as he did when he was tired, upset, or thoughtful. "I'm not mad."
"Good because I know Joanne would not want you to be upset with her about calling Dixie. Anyway Dixie talked to Brackett. He was planning to come out there himself until she talked him out of it. She knew he would probably want you re-admitted for observation until the dreams stopped. Dixie knew you would never agree to that. Johnny a lot of people care about you and want to see you back at work as soon as possible, but try not to over do it."
"Yeah okay Roy. Listen I hear the timer on my dinner. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I'm turning in early tonight. I'm kinda tired."
"Okay Johnny, goodnight."
"Nite Roy you guys be careful."
"Sure thing Junior."
Johnny stood by the phone for a few minutes thinking about Joanne seeing him having another bad dream. His friends must be thinking he had lost his mind. The beeping of the oven timer brought him back to the present. He went to retrieve his dinner from the oven. Opening the door allowed the heat to escape. Feeling the heat on his face made Johnny step back from the oven. Suddenly he was gripped with a flashback of the intense heat at the fire that nearly took his life. He began shaking. He squeezed his eyes shut and found his way to one of the kitchen chairs. Slumping down into the chair and trying to control his breathing. He didn't want to pass out. 'God what is happening to me?' he thought. 'I've got to get a hold of myself.'
He sat there for a few minutes breathing slowly, deeply. Feeling in control once again he took his dinner from the oven and closed the door trapping the heat inside. He grabbed a dish rag to hold the bowl with and went to his favorite seat in the great room, his recliner. Flipping on the TV as he passed he tuned in to the newsonly to find that the newscaster telling a follow up story about the office building fire. His picture was in the corner of the screen, "Fireman Paramedic John Gage is recuperating after his heroic attempt to escape the deteriorating building. He was able to tie himself with a fire hose allowing his descent from the collapsing roof. Mr. Gage sustained injuries after slamming into the side of the outside wall of the structure. It has been determined that this fire was caused by an electrical short in the wiring. This station wants to wish Mr. Gage a speedy recovery. We need people like him on the job of protecting the good people of Los Angeles and the surrounding community."
Johnny placed his dinner on the coffee table. He had lost his appetite. Getting up and turning off the TV he decided to try to rest on the sofa for a while. Thinking maybe some music would help him relax he turned on the stereo. 'Why did everyone think he was such a hero? He just tied a hose around his waist and fell off that building. Couldn't they just drop it? Didn't they know he might not be able to do his job anymore?' His mind raced with thoughts about the newscast. He fell into a fitful sleep dreaming once again about the fire.
'He was alone in a very dark place, a very hot dark place, but he was shivering. The darkness seemed to envelope him making him cold in the middle of extreme heat. Suddenly he could see thin bright lines snaking up along the walls of darkness. The lines became bigger, wider. He was back on the eighth floor of the building that almost claimed his life. He ran to the roof seeking escape. Then the lines became flames and closed in on him. He tried to move away only to find out there was no escape. He was getting hotter and hotter and the flames closer and closer seeming to taunt him; flitting before his face and then pulling back performing a kind of teasing dance. He stood at the edge of the roof looking down at his shift mates, his friends. He called out to them for help. There was nothing they could do. He was alone. He turned and faced the fire. He stood his ground watching as it came for him. He could feel its heat. He could see its fury. He screamed.'
Johnny woke himself screaming. He was covered in sweat. He sat up breathing heavily and looked around the room expecting to see fire consuming everything in its path. Finally he realized that he had been dreaming again. Deciding he needed to eat something so he could take his pain medicine and go to bed he reached for the bowl of lasagna. It was still warm so he took a few bites. Eating only a small amount he got up and took the bowl to the kitchen sitting it on the counter. He poured himself a glass of milk he took the prescribed medication. Remembering the light sedative that Brackett had sent over he grabbed them and took them upstairs with the rest of his milk. He didn't plan on taking any unless he couldn't sleep. He hated drugs, but if he had another nightmare tonight he thought he would give them a try. It was a cool evening and he loved the fresh air, so he opened the window in his bedroom, stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt and slipped under the covers. In a few minutes he fell asleep.
After an hour of deep sleep he awoke again from the dream that had haunted him for the last few days. Giving in he decided to take the sedative and try again to sleep.
He awoke the next morning from the sun shining in from the raised window onto his face. He had slept peacefully after taking the sedative and felt very refreshed. 'Wow, thank you Dr. Brackett,' he thought. Suddenly Johnny thought he smelled a familiar odor. Jumping from the bed he grabbed his pants and quickly looked out the window. He didn't see anything unusual. Pulling on his pants as he made his way across his bedroom he lunged for the stairs. Pulling off the immobilizer as he descended the stairs he ran for the kitchen. Nothing. He looked out the back door. Nothing. Where was it? He knew he could smell it. Running through the house to the front door he leapt off the front porch looking around. He sniffed the air. Where was it coming from? Sensing that it was coming from his neighbor's house he ran barefooted across his lawn and into the barn. Living on a ranch with several acres he knew his horse would get him there faster. Not wasting time with a saddle or reins he led his beloved American paint into the yard by a soft touch to her neck. He spoke to her in soft tones as they walked she nuzzled his shoulder. Once they were in the yard he grabbed hold of her mane and mounted her bare back. Tapping her sides with his bare feet they began with a trot but quickly they were flying across the open field between his house and the woods that separated his land from his neighbors. His hair blew in the wind, their bodies moved as one gliding across the distance. The odor became much stronger as he got closer to his neighbors property. Bursting from the woods at a full gallop he could see the flames shooting from the windows of the barn.
"Johnny, help us! Please! George went into the barn to get the horses out. He went back in for the last one, but hasn't come out. He's been in there too long. Please help him!" His neighbor's wife yelled to him as he approached. He jumped from his mare, patted her on the neck and turned her back towards the woods. She obediently walked back towards the direction they had come from. Johnny turned in a full run towards the barn.
Not stopping to think about what he was doing he called to his neighbor's wife. "Call the fire department. Tell them to send a squad and ambulance with the response. Tell them you have an off duty paramedic on the scene attempting to rescue George. Hurry!"
She ran for the house. He ran for the barn.
Ducking into the burning structure he was immediately aware of the heat and thick smoke. Pulling his shirt off and dipping it into a bucket of water by the door he tied it around his mouth and nose to help him breathe. "George, can you hear me?" Scanning the floor near the door he proceeded further into the intense heat. "George where are ya man?" He looked into the stalls nearest where he stood. He knew there was not much time. The barn was burning fast. He pushed further into the darkness. The smoke was so thick it was difficult to see. "George," he coughed out harshly. The wet shirt helped but did not stop the smoke from entering his lungs entirely. "Come on man where are you?" Finally Johnny could hear a wheezing cough a few feet ahead of him. He stumbled on George's prone body. Grabbing his friend in a fireman's carry that tortured his injured shoulder he turned towards the exit. It seemed as if everything around him was burning. The fire danced up the walls into the hayloft and consumed the hay in a colorful array of flames and smoke. Johnny shook off the momentary feeling of fear and moved towards the fresh air that awaited him outside the inferno.
He could hear the sirens approaching. He stumbled from the barn with his precious cargo. Falling to his knees only a few feet from the burning structure, he couldn't go any further. Wracked with coughing he tried to crawl towards safety with his victim. The squad and engine pulled up at the same time. It was 51's. Roy and Billy his temporary partner ran over to their fallen comrade. Billy took George from him and moved towards the squad. Captain Stanley had already laid out a blanket and was in the process of setting up the equipment. Roy helped Johnny to his feet. Mike appeared on his other side and the two of them helped him over to the squad. Chet and Marco began spraying the barn. It would be a total loss, but they needed to keep the fire from spreading to the house. Roy pulled the wet shirt from Johnny's face and replaced it with the oxygen mask. "Here this will help."
Johnny pulled the mask from his face, "The horse. He was trying to get to the horse."
"I'm sorry John the fire is just too hot." Captain Stanley said. "It's too late."
Johnny laid back. Roy pushed the oxygen mask back into place. "Keep that on Johnny. You need to take deep breaths and try to clear your lungs." Johnny nodded at his best friend. "Billy how is George doing?"
"He's awake. The oxygen is doing the trick. He has some first and second degree burns on his hands and arms. I'm getting his vitals. I'll get on the radio to Rampart."
"Johnny can you tell me where you're hurt?"
Johnny slipped the mask from his face, "I think my shoulder slipped out again, my feet. Hurts." His eyes drooped.
"Stay with me Johnny." Roy got his vitals and took the bio-phone after Billy reported George's condition and started the IV Brackett ordered. "Rampart we have a Code I, an off duty paramedic who rescued the victim before the fire department arrived on the scene. He has some minor burns on his feet and smoke inhalation." Roy continued to report Johnny's vital signs to Dr. Brackett. "Um Rampart he is also complaining of pain in his previously dislocated shoulder."
"51 please identify the code I," Dr. Brackett knew who it was, but he needed verification.
"Rampart our code I is John Gage."
"10-4 51. Immobilize the shoulder, treat the burns with saline soaked dressings, continue oxygen, start IV D5W TKO and transport."
"How is he Roy?" Captain Stanley came over to check on Johnny.
"He's okay Cap. Minor burns to his feet, re-injured the shoulder, and some smoke. He'll probably stay overnight for observation. Hopefully the shoulder can just be put back and immobilized. He may get to come back home tomorrow."
"Good." Captain Stanley knelt down next to Johnny. "Son you sure can get yourself into some real messy situations, but you did well. We'll check on you at Rampart." He patted Johnny on the arm and returned to his duties directing the scene.
Roy rode in the ambulance with George and Johnny.
"Roy."
"Yeah Johnny?"
"I did it Roy. I faced the fire. It didn't get me."
Roy smiled at his friend. "You sure did partner."
Johnny really relaxed for the first time since he fell from the roof of the office building. He knew in his heart that he could return to his position as a fireman/paramedic. Sure it would take time to heal from his injuries, but he would get there. His friends would be with him all the way. He could do it. The nightmares would not stop him. The fire would not beat him. He had faced his fear and survived.
The end.
9/27/09
"Hey Johnny."
"Evening Roy. How's it going?"
"Good. We've been pretty busy today, simple stuff, but still a lot of runs. You doing okay Junior?"
"Well Pally since you sent the Calvary out here to check on me I'm doing great. Brackett sent a sedative. Somebody must have talked to him today. Wonder who that might have been?"
"Johnny…"
"No really Roy did you have to call Brackett? I don't want him thinking I need to be off any longer than I have to."
"I didn't."
"I mean really Roy I just wanted to do a few….wait…what? You didn't, then who?"
"Joanne called Dixie. She was worried about you Johnny. She said she found you having another bad dream. She said you looked like you hadn't slept since you got home. She loves you Junior. Please don't be upset with her."
Johnny was silent on the other end of the phone line for a long time. Roy knew he was still there, because he could hear him breathing. He ran his hands through his hair as he did when he was tired, upset, or thoughtful. "I'm not mad."
"Good because I know Joanne would not want you to be upset with her about calling Dixie. Anyway Dixie talked to Brackett. He was planning to come out there himself until she talked him out of it. She knew he would probably want you re-admitted for observation until the dreams stopped. Dixie knew you would never agree to that. Johnny a lot of people care about you and want to see you back at work as soon as possible, but try not to over do it."
"Yeah okay Roy. Listen I hear the timer on my dinner. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I'm turning in early tonight. I'm kinda tired."
"Okay Johnny, goodnight."
"Nite Roy you guys be careful."
"Sure thing Junior."
Johnny stood by the phone for a few minutes thinking about Joanne seeing him having another bad dream. His friends must be thinking he had lost his mind. The beeping of the oven timer brought him back to the present. He went to retrieve his dinner from the oven. Opening the door allowed the heat to escape. Feeling the heat on his face made Johnny step back from the oven. Suddenly he was gripped with a flashback of the intense heat at the fire that nearly took his life. He began shaking. He squeezed his eyes shut and found his way to one of the kitchen chairs. Slumping down into the chair and trying to control his breathing. He didn't want to pass out. 'God what is happening to me?' he thought. 'I've got to get a hold of myself.'
He sat there for a few minutes breathing slowly, deeply. Feeling in control once again he took his dinner from the oven and closed the door trapping the heat inside. He grabbed a dish rag to hold the bowl with and went to his favorite seat in the great room, his recliner. Flipping on the TV as he passed he tuned in to the newsonly to find that the newscaster telling a follow up story about the office building fire. His picture was in the corner of the screen, "Fireman Paramedic John Gage is recuperating after his heroic attempt to escape the deteriorating building. He was able to tie himself with a fire hose allowing his descent from the collapsing roof. Mr. Gage sustained injuries after slamming into the side of the outside wall of the structure. It has been determined that this fire was caused by an electrical short in the wiring. This station wants to wish Mr. Gage a speedy recovery. We need people like him on the job of protecting the good people of Los Angeles and the surrounding community."
Johnny placed his dinner on the coffee table. He had lost his appetite. Getting up and turning off the TV he decided to try to rest on the sofa for a while. Thinking maybe some music would help him relax he turned on the stereo. 'Why did everyone think he was such a hero? He just tied a hose around his waist and fell off that building. Couldn't they just drop it? Didn't they know he might not be able to do his job anymore?' His mind raced with thoughts about the newscast. He fell into a fitful sleep dreaming once again about the fire.
'He was alone in a very dark place, a very hot dark place, but he was shivering. The darkness seemed to envelope him making him cold in the middle of extreme heat. Suddenly he could see thin bright lines snaking up along the walls of darkness. The lines became bigger, wider. He was back on the eighth floor of the building that almost claimed his life. He ran to the roof seeking escape. Then the lines became flames and closed in on him. He tried to move away only to find out there was no escape. He was getting hotter and hotter and the flames closer and closer seeming to taunt him; flitting before his face and then pulling back performing a kind of teasing dance. He stood at the edge of the roof looking down at his shift mates, his friends. He called out to them for help. There was nothing they could do. He was alone. He turned and faced the fire. He stood his ground watching as it came for him. He could feel its heat. He could see its fury. He screamed.'
Johnny woke himself screaming. He was covered in sweat. He sat up breathing heavily and looked around the room expecting to see fire consuming everything in its path. Finally he realized that he had been dreaming again. Deciding he needed to eat something so he could take his pain medicine and go to bed he reached for the bowl of lasagna. It was still warm so he took a few bites. Eating only a small amount he got up and took the bowl to the kitchen sitting it on the counter. He poured himself a glass of milk he took the prescribed medication. Remembering the light sedative that Brackett had sent over he grabbed them and took them upstairs with the rest of his milk. He didn't plan on taking any unless he couldn't sleep. He hated drugs, but if he had another nightmare tonight he thought he would give them a try. It was a cool evening and he loved the fresh air, so he opened the window in his bedroom, stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt and slipped under the covers. In a few minutes he fell asleep.
After an hour of deep sleep he awoke again from the dream that had haunted him for the last few days. Giving in he decided to take the sedative and try again to sleep.
He awoke the next morning from the sun shining in from the raised window onto his face. He had slept peacefully after taking the sedative and felt very refreshed. 'Wow, thank you Dr. Brackett,' he thought. Suddenly Johnny thought he smelled a familiar odor. Jumping from the bed he grabbed his pants and quickly looked out the window. He didn't see anything unusual. Pulling on his pants as he made his way across his bedroom he lunged for the stairs. Pulling off the immobilizer as he descended the stairs he ran for the kitchen. Nothing. He looked out the back door. Nothing. Where was it? He knew he could smell it. Running through the house to the front door he leapt off the front porch looking around. He sniffed the air. Where was it coming from? Sensing that it was coming from his neighbor's house he ran barefooted across his lawn and into the barn. Living on a ranch with several acres he knew his horse would get him there faster. Not wasting time with a saddle or reins he led his beloved American paint into the yard by a soft touch to her neck. He spoke to her in soft tones as they walked she nuzzled his shoulder. Once they were in the yard he grabbed hold of her mane and mounted her bare back. Tapping her sides with his bare feet they began with a trot but quickly they were flying across the open field between his house and the woods that separated his land from his neighbors. His hair blew in the wind, their bodies moved as one gliding across the distance. The odor became much stronger as he got closer to his neighbors property. Bursting from the woods at a full gallop he could see the flames shooting from the windows of the barn.
"Johnny, help us! Please! George went into the barn to get the horses out. He went back in for the last one, but hasn't come out. He's been in there too long. Please help him!" His neighbor's wife yelled to him as he approached. He jumped from his mare, patted her on the neck and turned her back towards the woods. She obediently walked back towards the direction they had come from. Johnny turned in a full run towards the barn.
Not stopping to think about what he was doing he called to his neighbor's wife. "Call the fire department. Tell them to send a squad and ambulance with the response. Tell them you have an off duty paramedic on the scene attempting to rescue George. Hurry!"
She ran for the house. He ran for the barn.
Ducking into the burning structure he was immediately aware of the heat and thick smoke. Pulling his shirt off and dipping it into a bucket of water by the door he tied it around his mouth and nose to help him breathe. "George, can you hear me?" Scanning the floor near the door he proceeded further into the intense heat. "George where are ya man?" He looked into the stalls nearest where he stood. He knew there was not much time. The barn was burning fast. He pushed further into the darkness. The smoke was so thick it was difficult to see. "George," he coughed out harshly. The wet shirt helped but did not stop the smoke from entering his lungs entirely. "Come on man where are you?" Finally Johnny could hear a wheezing cough a few feet ahead of him. He stumbled on George's prone body. Grabbing his friend in a fireman's carry that tortured his injured shoulder he turned towards the exit. It seemed as if everything around him was burning. The fire danced up the walls into the hayloft and consumed the hay in a colorful array of flames and smoke. Johnny shook off the momentary feeling of fear and moved towards the fresh air that awaited him outside the inferno.
He could hear the sirens approaching. He stumbled from the barn with his precious cargo. Falling to his knees only a few feet from the burning structure, he couldn't go any further. Wracked with coughing he tried to crawl towards safety with his victim. The squad and engine pulled up at the same time. It was 51's. Roy and Billy his temporary partner ran over to their fallen comrade. Billy took George from him and moved towards the squad. Captain Stanley had already laid out a blanket and was in the process of setting up the equipment. Roy helped Johnny to his feet. Mike appeared on his other side and the two of them helped him over to the squad. Chet and Marco began spraying the barn. It would be a total loss, but they needed to keep the fire from spreading to the house. Roy pulled the wet shirt from Johnny's face and replaced it with the oxygen mask. "Here this will help."
Johnny pulled the mask from his face, "The horse. He was trying to get to the horse."
"I'm sorry John the fire is just too hot." Captain Stanley said. "It's too late."
Johnny laid back. Roy pushed the oxygen mask back into place. "Keep that on Johnny. You need to take deep breaths and try to clear your lungs." Johnny nodded at his best friend. "Billy how is George doing?"
"He's awake. The oxygen is doing the trick. He has some first and second degree burns on his hands and arms. I'm getting his vitals. I'll get on the radio to Rampart."
"Johnny can you tell me where you're hurt?"
Johnny slipped the mask from his face, "I think my shoulder slipped out again, my feet. Hurts." His eyes drooped.
"Stay with me Johnny." Roy got his vitals and took the bio-phone after Billy reported George's condition and started the IV Brackett ordered. "Rampart we have a Code I, an off duty paramedic who rescued the victim before the fire department arrived on the scene. He has some minor burns on his feet and smoke inhalation." Roy continued to report Johnny's vital signs to Dr. Brackett. "Um Rampart he is also complaining of pain in his previously dislocated shoulder."
"51 please identify the code I," Dr. Brackett knew who it was, but he needed verification.
"Rampart our code I is John Gage."
"10-4 51. Immobilize the shoulder, treat the burns with saline soaked dressings, continue oxygen, start IV D5W TKO and transport."
"How is he Roy?" Captain Stanley came over to check on Johnny.
"He's okay Cap. Minor burns to his feet, re-injured the shoulder, and some smoke. He'll probably stay overnight for observation. Hopefully the shoulder can just be put back and immobilized. He may get to come back home tomorrow."
"Good." Captain Stanley knelt down next to Johnny. "Son you sure can get yourself into some real messy situations, but you did well. We'll check on you at Rampart." He patted Johnny on the arm and returned to his duties directing the scene.
Roy rode in the ambulance with George and Johnny.
"Roy."
"Yeah Johnny?"
"I did it Roy. I faced the fire. It didn't get me."
Roy smiled at his friend. "You sure did partner."
Johnny really relaxed for the first time since he fell from the roof of the office building. He knew in his heart that he could return to his position as a fireman/paramedic. Sure it would take time to heal from his injuries, but he would get there. His friends would be with him all the way. He could do it. The nightmares would not stop him. The fire would not beat him. He had faced his fear and survived.
The end.
9/27/09