Finding a Way Out
Chapter Two
Nightmares
Johnny sat in his recliner surrounded by his closest friends, his family; his letter of commendation lay in his lap. Staring at the words on the paper he couldn't believe that the department, Chief McKonnike, thought he deserved the praise he had been given. All he had done was follow his training, secure the scene and find a way out a burning building. What was the big deal? Why did that matter to anyone? He had been terrified of burning. Wouldn't they have done the same thing? Wouldn't anyone in that situation have thought to use the hose? He was just a guy, a normal everyday fireman. He didn't feel special. If he had done a better job he would not have gotten himself trapped in the first place. He sighed aloud.
"Johnny?" Roy had come up beside the recliner holding a plate of food in each hand. "You okay?"
"Huh? Oh uh just….thinking."
Roy placed the two very full plates on the coffee table and reached for the letter. He knew that his best friend would have trouble accepting this praise. He knew that Johnny did not think he had done anything different than any other guy in the same situation, but he was wrong and they all knew it. "Let me put this up for you in the study. Then I'll come back and help you with your plate."
"I can take this sling off until after I eat," Johnny said trying to raise up in the chair enough to maneuver the sling on his sprained shoulder unsuccessfully. He closed his eyes to hide the irrepressible tears that welled up as the pain in his shoulders reawakened and the muscles in his chest pulled on his healing ribs. He gasped at the action and gritted his teeth to try to hide the severity of it all.
Captain Stanley made his way across the great room, picked up one of the plates from the coffee table and took the seat on the couch nearest the recliner. "Look John we are all family here. You do not have to hide your pain from us. We know you hurt. Now that said I will help you with this wonderful epicurean delight. Roy will help you remove that sling so you can hold the fork yourself if you prefer, but you will let me or someone else help you with the plate. Understood?"
Johnny did not have any fight left in him. He hung his head in defeat. "Yes sir, but I'm not very hungry."
"Nonsense son, if for no other reason but to satisfy the need to eat along with your medications, you will eat and besides John Gage you have never, since the day I met you, not been hungry." Stanley smiled at his friend. Johnny sheepishly smiled at his Captain and opened his mouth. Mike, Chet, Marco, and Roy as well as their families all laughed at the scene playing out before them. Captain Stanley spoon fed his youngest crew member most of what was on his plate. Soon the women moved to the kitchen to clear away the dishes and store the leftovers. The men from Station 51's A-shift settled around the TV as they often did when on duty together at the station. Before anyone noticed Johnny, who had been properly medicated, drifted to sleep.
'He was alone in a very dark place, a very hot dark place, but he was shivering. The darkness seemed to envelope him. Suddenly he could see thin bright lines snaking up along the walls of darkness. The lines became bigger, wider. Then the lines became flames and closed in on him. He tried to move away only to find out there was no escape. He was getting hotter and hotter and the flames closer and closer seeming to taunt him; flitting before his face and then pulling back performing a kind of teasing dance. He pulled back screaming for help.'
"Johnny wake up. You're having a bad dream. It's just a dream. You're safe at home. Johnny, come on now its okay." Roy softly shook him. All of the activity in the house came to an abrupt stop, the women came in from the kitchen, the kids came in from outside having heard Johnny scream for help. Johnny stared wide eyed but not aware. "Come on Junior wake up for me."
Johnny slowly became aware of his surroundings. The darkness cleared and he found himself in his recliner with all of his closest friends staring at him. "It was a dream?"
"Just a dream Johnny," Roy kneeled in front of Johnny and still had his hand on Johnny's knee where he had been gently shaking him. He patted him there and rose to his feet. "I think we need to get you up to bed. It's been a long day."
"Okay Roy," Johnny whispered softly. He was embarrassed that he had obviously been doing something to make everyone stare at him with concerned faces. He moved to get up from the recliner only much to his dislike he needed assistance from Chet and Roy to gain his footing. He was still groggy and weak. Once he was up and mobile Johnny shrugged off the help Chet was giving. "I'm okay now Chester B." Roy instinctively lowered his hand from Johnny's back but stayed close behind. He gradually made his way across the room stopping at the base of the stairs; turning to his friends he smiled slightly, "Thanks everyone for the nice homecoming." Then he turned and carefully made his way up the stairs. He knew they would finish tidying up and lock up when they left.
A few minutes later Roy found him sitting on the end of his bed still fully clothed. "What's wrong Johnny?"
"I'm like a newborn baby Roy. I can't even get my zipper down to go to the bathroom."
"Here Johnny let me help you. Tomorrow you can wear sweats. I think you can manage them better. No zippers." Roy made short work of helping Johnny strip down to his boxers. After a quick trip to the bathroom Johnny came over to the bed and awkwardly pulled down the covers. He sat on the side of the bed and turned as he lowered himself onto the stack of pillows that Roy had positioned for him. He lifted his legs up last and then tugged at the covers that were now hung on his foot. Giving up he lay back and sighed loudly. "Here let me get those covers untangled. Then I'm going to take Joanne and the kids home. Captain Stanley is going to stay here with you tonight. I have to take Joanne and the kids to church. They're having a children's choir program and Chris and Jenny are singing, but I'll come by after and help you get cleaned up."
"Roy I got my self off a burning building. I think I can clean myself up!" Johnny was clearly upset. "I may not be able to feed myself, but I will not need a nurse maid to wash me." He turned his head away from Roy in anger. If he could turn on his side without hurting his shoulder effectively ending the conversation he would, but that was impossible. He was completely frustrated with his inability to do anything for himself.
"Johnny there is nothing wrong with needing assistance from time to time. I mean look at all the help you have given me when I was injured and often even when I'm not. What is wrong with me helping you a little bit in return?" Roy knew he had to help Johnny understand. He knew his friend needed help with his physical needs at least until the sling came off of the sprained shoulder. The dislocated shoulder would take longer to heal, but at least he would have the use of one hand. Sadly it was Johnny's mental anguish that worried Roy the most.
"Sorry Roy, I just….."
"I know. Don't worry about it Junior. I'll see you tomorrow." Roy didn't wait for Johnny to respond. He knew from years of experience to let it drop for his sake and for Johnny's. "Goodnight."
Johnny didn't respond. Roy didn't really expect him to, so he closed the door and left.
Sleep claimed Johnny quickly, and he found himself trapped in the same nightmare.
'He was alone in a very dark place, a very hot dark place, but he was shivering. The darkness seemed to envelope him making him cold in the middle of extreme heat. Suddenly he could see thin bright lines snaking up along the walls of darkness. The lines became bigger, wider. He was back on the eighth floor of the building that almost claimed his life. Then the lines became flames and closed in on him. He tried to move away only to find out there was no escape. He was getting hotter and hotter and the flames closer and closer seeming to taunt him; flitting before his face and then pulling back performing a kind of teasing dance. He could feel his skin begin to burn. The darkness became darker if that was at all possible. The smoke smothered him. He couldn't breathe the pressure on his lungs unbearable.'
"John wake up," Captain Hank Stanley stood beside Johnny's bed. "Wake up son, it's just a bad dream." Hank didn't know when he started calling Johnny 'son'. He thought about it and decided it was after the fire. He was still having trouble dealing with it all himself. "Come on John your hyperventilating. You need to slow your breathing."
Johnny knew to listen to his Captain and follow his instructions. Without fully waking up he began to breathe more normally. His respirations slowed and deepened. Hank knew that Johnny had fallen back into a normal sleep. Instead of returning to the guest room Hank pulled the chair in the room over beside the bed, lowered himself into it and propped his feet on the end of the bed. Deciding he could nap tomorrow he appointed himself watchman over his now peaceful friend.
Several hours later Johnny woke with a start. The sudden harsh intake of air was enough to awaken Hank as well. Rubbing his sleepy eyes he lowered his legs from the end of the bed and leaned forward in the chair. "John?"
Johnny looked over at his friend. "Cap, what are you doing in here?"
"You've been having nightmares. I uh…I thought I would stay close in case I needed to wake you again. Guess I fell asleep."
"Cap you don't have to babysit me. I'm a big boy."
"John you were hyperventilating. I just wanted to be close enough to make sure you didn't…"
"I'm okay Cap go to bed."
Knowing that he would only make Johnny mad if he stayed in the chair Hank got up, stretched and started towards the door. "Can I get you anything?"
"No thanks." In truth he would kill for a drink of cold water. His throat felt parched, but being the stubborn man he is John Gage didn't ask. He didn't want to be any trouble. Glancing over at his alarm clock he could see that it was only 3 am. Too early to get up, and not wanting to wake his Captain, Johnny just lay in the bed awake. The nightmares had shaken him. He felt afraid. He was afraid. Afraid of the fire, of not being able to face it again; afraid he was losing the ability to be a fireman which meant he would no longer be allowed to be a paramedic, which meant he would lose himself. Being a paramedic was more than just a job to him, it was a part of him; it defined him. Johnny lay awake until he heard Hank stirring in the other room. Looking at the clock he could see that it was now 7 o'clock. He had never gone back to sleep.
Turning his legs to the side of the bed, Johnny began the painstaking process of getting up from his reclining position. Slowly he gained enough strength to rise up and stand. He needed to take care of some personal business and see if he could find a pair of sweat pants as Roy had suggested.
Struggling for almost twenty minutes to get the sweat pants up Johnny finally was ready to make his way downstairs. Padding across the great room in his bare feet Johnny had reached the kitchen unnoticed. He looked over at his Captain searching the cabinets. "Uh Cap?"
Hank jumped. He had not heard Johnny coming. Truth be told he was still pretty groggy from lack of sleep the night before. He needed caffeine. He needed it bad. "Can't find the coffee."
"In the freezer."
"The freezer?"
"Yeah it keeps the beans fresh."
"Beans?"
"You use the grinder there to grind the beans the way you like them. I like them fine. Then you make the coffee like normal."
"Grind? Why don't you just buy it in those already ground packages?"
"I like it freshly ground. Here let me show you." Johnny unhooked the sling and reached up carefully into the freezer and took out the bag of coffee beans. He stopped and grimaced as he lowered his arm to place the bag on the counter.
"Let me," Hand suggested.
"I'm okay Cap. I've got this." Johnny was hurting, but his stubborn streak made him continue. He slowly got the beans into the grinder dropping several on the cabinet and floor. Once the beans were finely ground he poured them into the filter that he had placed in his Mr. Coffee drip coffee maker. Pressing the button to brew he turned to his superior with a grin on his face. He looked pleased with himself. True he had made a mess, but he had successfully started a full pot of fresh coffee for his friend. "Just wait. You will love this coffee. You may even want to start grinding your own." At that Johnny moved towards the great pulling his sling back into place. He was not concerned about cleaning up the spilled beans. He was hurting more than he wanted his Captain to know.
Hank chuckled at his friend and cleaned up the mess. Soon he followed Johnny into the great room with two really good tasting cups of coffee. After a rough night for both men this was starting out to be a good day.
"Johnny?" Roy had come up beside the recliner holding a plate of food in each hand. "You okay?"
"Huh? Oh uh just….thinking."
Roy placed the two very full plates on the coffee table and reached for the letter. He knew that his best friend would have trouble accepting this praise. He knew that Johnny did not think he had done anything different than any other guy in the same situation, but he was wrong and they all knew it. "Let me put this up for you in the study. Then I'll come back and help you with your plate."
"I can take this sling off until after I eat," Johnny said trying to raise up in the chair enough to maneuver the sling on his sprained shoulder unsuccessfully. He closed his eyes to hide the irrepressible tears that welled up as the pain in his shoulders reawakened and the muscles in his chest pulled on his healing ribs. He gasped at the action and gritted his teeth to try to hide the severity of it all.
Captain Stanley made his way across the great room, picked up one of the plates from the coffee table and took the seat on the couch nearest the recliner. "Look John we are all family here. You do not have to hide your pain from us. We know you hurt. Now that said I will help you with this wonderful epicurean delight. Roy will help you remove that sling so you can hold the fork yourself if you prefer, but you will let me or someone else help you with the plate. Understood?"
Johnny did not have any fight left in him. He hung his head in defeat. "Yes sir, but I'm not very hungry."
"Nonsense son, if for no other reason but to satisfy the need to eat along with your medications, you will eat and besides John Gage you have never, since the day I met you, not been hungry." Stanley smiled at his friend. Johnny sheepishly smiled at his Captain and opened his mouth. Mike, Chet, Marco, and Roy as well as their families all laughed at the scene playing out before them. Captain Stanley spoon fed his youngest crew member most of what was on his plate. Soon the women moved to the kitchen to clear away the dishes and store the leftovers. The men from Station 51's A-shift settled around the TV as they often did when on duty together at the station. Before anyone noticed Johnny, who had been properly medicated, drifted to sleep.
'He was alone in a very dark place, a very hot dark place, but he was shivering. The darkness seemed to envelope him. Suddenly he could see thin bright lines snaking up along the walls of darkness. The lines became bigger, wider. Then the lines became flames and closed in on him. He tried to move away only to find out there was no escape. He was getting hotter and hotter and the flames closer and closer seeming to taunt him; flitting before his face and then pulling back performing a kind of teasing dance. He pulled back screaming for help.'
"Johnny wake up. You're having a bad dream. It's just a dream. You're safe at home. Johnny, come on now its okay." Roy softly shook him. All of the activity in the house came to an abrupt stop, the women came in from the kitchen, the kids came in from outside having heard Johnny scream for help. Johnny stared wide eyed but not aware. "Come on Junior wake up for me."
Johnny slowly became aware of his surroundings. The darkness cleared and he found himself in his recliner with all of his closest friends staring at him. "It was a dream?"
"Just a dream Johnny," Roy kneeled in front of Johnny and still had his hand on Johnny's knee where he had been gently shaking him. He patted him there and rose to his feet. "I think we need to get you up to bed. It's been a long day."
"Okay Roy," Johnny whispered softly. He was embarrassed that he had obviously been doing something to make everyone stare at him with concerned faces. He moved to get up from the recliner only much to his dislike he needed assistance from Chet and Roy to gain his footing. He was still groggy and weak. Once he was up and mobile Johnny shrugged off the help Chet was giving. "I'm okay now Chester B." Roy instinctively lowered his hand from Johnny's back but stayed close behind. He gradually made his way across the room stopping at the base of the stairs; turning to his friends he smiled slightly, "Thanks everyone for the nice homecoming." Then he turned and carefully made his way up the stairs. He knew they would finish tidying up and lock up when they left.
A few minutes later Roy found him sitting on the end of his bed still fully clothed. "What's wrong Johnny?"
"I'm like a newborn baby Roy. I can't even get my zipper down to go to the bathroom."
"Here Johnny let me help you. Tomorrow you can wear sweats. I think you can manage them better. No zippers." Roy made short work of helping Johnny strip down to his boxers. After a quick trip to the bathroom Johnny came over to the bed and awkwardly pulled down the covers. He sat on the side of the bed and turned as he lowered himself onto the stack of pillows that Roy had positioned for him. He lifted his legs up last and then tugged at the covers that were now hung on his foot. Giving up he lay back and sighed loudly. "Here let me get those covers untangled. Then I'm going to take Joanne and the kids home. Captain Stanley is going to stay here with you tonight. I have to take Joanne and the kids to church. They're having a children's choir program and Chris and Jenny are singing, but I'll come by after and help you get cleaned up."
"Roy I got my self off a burning building. I think I can clean myself up!" Johnny was clearly upset. "I may not be able to feed myself, but I will not need a nurse maid to wash me." He turned his head away from Roy in anger. If he could turn on his side without hurting his shoulder effectively ending the conversation he would, but that was impossible. He was completely frustrated with his inability to do anything for himself.
"Johnny there is nothing wrong with needing assistance from time to time. I mean look at all the help you have given me when I was injured and often even when I'm not. What is wrong with me helping you a little bit in return?" Roy knew he had to help Johnny understand. He knew his friend needed help with his physical needs at least until the sling came off of the sprained shoulder. The dislocated shoulder would take longer to heal, but at least he would have the use of one hand. Sadly it was Johnny's mental anguish that worried Roy the most.
"Sorry Roy, I just….."
"I know. Don't worry about it Junior. I'll see you tomorrow." Roy didn't wait for Johnny to respond. He knew from years of experience to let it drop for his sake and for Johnny's. "Goodnight."
Johnny didn't respond. Roy didn't really expect him to, so he closed the door and left.
Sleep claimed Johnny quickly, and he found himself trapped in the same nightmare.
'He was alone in a very dark place, a very hot dark place, but he was shivering. The darkness seemed to envelope him making him cold in the middle of extreme heat. Suddenly he could see thin bright lines snaking up along the walls of darkness. The lines became bigger, wider. He was back on the eighth floor of the building that almost claimed his life. Then the lines became flames and closed in on him. He tried to move away only to find out there was no escape. He was getting hotter and hotter and the flames closer and closer seeming to taunt him; flitting before his face and then pulling back performing a kind of teasing dance. He could feel his skin begin to burn. The darkness became darker if that was at all possible. The smoke smothered him. He couldn't breathe the pressure on his lungs unbearable.'
"John wake up," Captain Hank Stanley stood beside Johnny's bed. "Wake up son, it's just a bad dream." Hank didn't know when he started calling Johnny 'son'. He thought about it and decided it was after the fire. He was still having trouble dealing with it all himself. "Come on John your hyperventilating. You need to slow your breathing."
Johnny knew to listen to his Captain and follow his instructions. Without fully waking up he began to breathe more normally. His respirations slowed and deepened. Hank knew that Johnny had fallen back into a normal sleep. Instead of returning to the guest room Hank pulled the chair in the room over beside the bed, lowered himself into it and propped his feet on the end of the bed. Deciding he could nap tomorrow he appointed himself watchman over his now peaceful friend.
Several hours later Johnny woke with a start. The sudden harsh intake of air was enough to awaken Hank as well. Rubbing his sleepy eyes he lowered his legs from the end of the bed and leaned forward in the chair. "John?"
Johnny looked over at his friend. "Cap, what are you doing in here?"
"You've been having nightmares. I uh…I thought I would stay close in case I needed to wake you again. Guess I fell asleep."
"Cap you don't have to babysit me. I'm a big boy."
"John you were hyperventilating. I just wanted to be close enough to make sure you didn't…"
"I'm okay Cap go to bed."
Knowing that he would only make Johnny mad if he stayed in the chair Hank got up, stretched and started towards the door. "Can I get you anything?"
"No thanks." In truth he would kill for a drink of cold water. His throat felt parched, but being the stubborn man he is John Gage didn't ask. He didn't want to be any trouble. Glancing over at his alarm clock he could see that it was only 3 am. Too early to get up, and not wanting to wake his Captain, Johnny just lay in the bed awake. The nightmares had shaken him. He felt afraid. He was afraid. Afraid of the fire, of not being able to face it again; afraid he was losing the ability to be a fireman which meant he would no longer be allowed to be a paramedic, which meant he would lose himself. Being a paramedic was more than just a job to him, it was a part of him; it defined him. Johnny lay awake until he heard Hank stirring in the other room. Looking at the clock he could see that it was now 7 o'clock. He had never gone back to sleep.
Turning his legs to the side of the bed, Johnny began the painstaking process of getting up from his reclining position. Slowly he gained enough strength to rise up and stand. He needed to take care of some personal business and see if he could find a pair of sweat pants as Roy had suggested.
Struggling for almost twenty minutes to get the sweat pants up Johnny finally was ready to make his way downstairs. Padding across the great room in his bare feet Johnny had reached the kitchen unnoticed. He looked over at his Captain searching the cabinets. "Uh Cap?"
Hank jumped. He had not heard Johnny coming. Truth be told he was still pretty groggy from lack of sleep the night before. He needed caffeine. He needed it bad. "Can't find the coffee."
"In the freezer."
"The freezer?"
"Yeah it keeps the beans fresh."
"Beans?"
"You use the grinder there to grind the beans the way you like them. I like them fine. Then you make the coffee like normal."
"Grind? Why don't you just buy it in those already ground packages?"
"I like it freshly ground. Here let me show you." Johnny unhooked the sling and reached up carefully into the freezer and took out the bag of coffee beans. He stopped and grimaced as he lowered his arm to place the bag on the counter.
"Let me," Hand suggested.
"I'm okay Cap. I've got this." Johnny was hurting, but his stubborn streak made him continue. He slowly got the beans into the grinder dropping several on the cabinet and floor. Once the beans were finely ground he poured them into the filter that he had placed in his Mr. Coffee drip coffee maker. Pressing the button to brew he turned to his superior with a grin on his face. He looked pleased with himself. True he had made a mess, but he had successfully started a full pot of fresh coffee for his friend. "Just wait. You will love this coffee. You may even want to start grinding your own." At that Johnny moved towards the great pulling his sling back into place. He was not concerned about cleaning up the spilled beans. He was hurting more than he wanted his Captain to know.
Hank chuckled at his friend and cleaned up the mess. Soon he followed Johnny into the great room with two really good tasting cups of coffee. After a rough night for both men this was starting out to be a good day.